How to deal with a controlling husband?

Fatwa ID: 02701

Answered by: Moulana Tahsin Alam

Question:

Asalamualaikum

I have been married for 7 years now and we have 2 children. My husband is a very good man. He works and makes sure that I have everything. But he likes to control me!

Like everywhere I go or do anything, buying something I need etc. I don't like it but I listen to him and do what he says. He doesn't like my family so they don't come to my house and I only visit them when he allows me.

And often I'm not allowed to give gifts my to younger siblings on eid or anything. It hurts but I do as he says but be still does not seem happy with me or our marriage. I try to talk to him and ask what I'm doing wrong he has nothing to say.

How can I have our marriage? I give him time and space. When he gets angry he can ask me to leave the house for good and take the children with me. I need help to save my marriage. Please help me!!

 


 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمنِ الرَّحِيْم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Answer:

Walaikumusalam

Marriage indeed has its challenges and blessings that both tests. Rest assured that no blessing that one is thankful for or test that is endured will not go unnoticed. Rather the reward is there for those who are patient. The tranquillity we seek can sometimes be constrained by difficulties while at other times it is there but hard to see it for ourselves. As you have stated, your husband is a good man, and you have not mentioned that he has neglected the essential duties he has towards you by way of provision, security and love. The specific problems you have mention are indeed of concern but should nevertheless be understood with the context of the overall picture you face.

 

As for your husband being controlling, you should try to remind him, and also others who are known to remind him that husbands should consult their wives before making decisions. A marriage would be indecisive with two consultants and divisive with two decision makers. Hence why these two complementary and necessary roles are important. We cannot have a hospital thinking that patients are an impediment to the proper function of it or a teacher thinking that the learning of a student is getting in the way of his teachers. Similarly, your husband should learn that consultation brings out the best decisions as a family when the wife is respected like this. As for you enduring and listening, this is of great reward and to your credit that the angels have recorded regardless of what anyone thinks.

 

As for not letting your parents visits, your husband should allow that as a means to an obligation for you to keep ties with your family. However if he does not use the ties and means you find optimal, he does, however, allow you to visit them which is the more essential matter. As for gifts, your husband has no right to dictate what you do with your personal wealth[1]. And also you don't need to seek his permission on how you spend your wealth or nafaqa that he provides you, With current states framed in this way, hopefully in a more clearer framework, my advice would be to seek mediation of counselling to resolve or clarify the above issues. Your husband cannot deep down be happy with this circumstance, and it is likely this is not how your marriage has been from the started but rather developed into this over time. For this, you both need to discuss your needs and feelings in a calm and cooperative manner. If this does not work, then be extremely patient and seek further help by way of mediation and counselling.

 

 

Only Allah Ta'ala knows best.

Written by Moulana Moinul Abu Hamza

Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah

DarulIfta Birmingham

 

 

 

[1] The wife has the right to spend her own money in all circumstances, whether in a transaction or otherwise, whether this involves all of her wealth or part of it. This is the opinion of the majority, and is the opinion of the Hanafis, Shaafa'is and Hanbalis, and of Ibn al-Mundhir. (al-Mughni, 4/513; al-Ansaaf, 5/342; Ma'aani al-Athaar, 4/354; al-Baari, 5/318; al-Awtaar, 6/22). This is the soundest opinion, and is most in accordance with the Qur'aan, the Sunnah and common sense.

In the Qur'aan, Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

"And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart, but if they, of their own good pleasure, remit any part of it to you, take it, and enjoy it without fear of any harm (as Allaah has made it lawful)."[al-Nisa’ 4:4]


للمرأة التصرف في مالها مطلقاً سواء كان بعوض أو بغير عوض أكان ذلك بمالها كله أو بعضه وبه قال الجمهور ومنهم الحنفية والشافعية والحنابلة في المذهب وابن المنذر . المغني 4/513 الإنصاف 5/342 شرح معاني الآثار 4/354)فتح الباري 5/318 ، نيل الأوطار 6/22
وهو أعدل الأقوال .. للكتاب والسنة والنظر فمن الكتاب قوله تعالى ( وآتوا النساء صدقاتهن نحلة فإن طبن لكم عن شيء منه نفساً فكلوه هنيئاً مريئا ) فأباح الله للزوج ما طابت له به نفس امرأته . وقوله تعالى ( وإن طلقتموهن من قبل أن تمسوهن وقد فرضتم لهن فريضة فنصف ما فرضتم إلا أن يعفون ) فأجاز عفوهن عن مالهن بعد طلاق زوجها إياها بغير استئذان من أحد فدل ذلك على جواز أمر المرأة في مالها ، وعلى أنها في مالها كالرجل في ماله . شرح معاني الآثار 4/ 352 .

 

 

 

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