Fatwa ID: 08942
Answered by Maulana Iqtidar Ahmed
Question:
Assalamu alaikum
I live in Bangladesh. I am 25 years old. We are three sisters—my elder sister is 32, and my younger sister is 18. I am the middle one.
I’m mentioning our ages because even though my elder sister is fully grown and married with a child, she has been living at our parents’ home for more than 12 years. My father bears around 89% of the expenses for her and her child. Despite her husband having a good income, my sister spends his money buying flats, land, and plots instead of living separately with him. Unfortunately, my mother fully supports this behaviour.
My father, my younger sister, and I have tried many times to make my mother understand, but every attempt has failed. Because of this, we have become a subject of gossip and ridicule in our community.
My brother-in-law is of bad character. My younger sister and I have been victims of his harassment several times—something my mother knows but ignores. To clarify, we live in a small four-room apartment, where my sister, her husband, and their son also stay. I feel suffocated in my own home.
Living in such an environment makes me fear that I won’t be able to marry into a good family. I am a medical student and wish to get married this year, but nothing in my life seems to bring blessings. I love my family, but I can’t take this anymore. Sometimes, I get so frustrated that I even find myself wishing for death. Every moment in this house feels suffocating—God is my witness.
What can I do now?
(I have tried everything to make my mother understand, but she seems blind to reason and listens only to my elder sister’s husband.)
How can I free myself from this situation?
Would it be wrong if I cut ties with my mother? (Honestly, I would not regret it, because now I feel deep resentment and even hatred toward her.)
What should I do now?
(My father, my younger sister, and I are completely exhausted.)
To be honest, my mother destroyed my entire childhood and adolescence. Even after knowing that her elder son-in-law harassed me, she pretended not to know and still denies it today. It disgusts me to even call her my mother—may Allah forgive me.
As for my elder sister, she completely obeys her husband. Even if I try to overlook everything and see her simply as a human being, I still find her to be extremely greedy.
O Allah, please save me from this family.
I can’t write any more. I’m sorry if my words seem disorganized.
Please, just tell me—what should I do now?
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Thank you sister for reaching out. May Allah make your situation easy.
It is sometimes not easy to deal with family, many people have similar experiences, and it is not something that people choose for themselves.
However, at this point I would like to remind you of a few things:
- Life is a test.
- Allah ﷻ has created us in this world as a test, so we can deal with the problems we face and deal with them in the most excellent of manners. [1]
- So, try to be patient, Indeed Allah is with the patient. Continue to pray your prayers, make dua and seek help from Allah. [2]
- Try to have a positive outlook and perspective on everything, as that will help you get through your concerns.
- Your duty to your parents
- Every Muslim has a continuous duty to their parents, Allah ﷻ says to treat them with excellence, and when they cause you distress, you should not even say “Uff.” [3]
- It is understandable your feelings towards your mother if it seems she is not listening to you.
- However, it is still your duty to do excellence to them regardless of this fact.
- You are not allowed to cut ties with your mother in Islam; you can have some distance but try to do some good when you can.
- Violence is not acceptable.
- You have not clearly mentioned to us the nature of harassment, if this entails violence such as hitting, you do not need to accept this.
- Harm is not allowed. [4]
As for long term solutions, there are 2 options that come to mind:
- Marriage
- If you can find a good husband who is righteous, loving and caring, he will effectively be able to move you to a better environment hopefully and then you can keep some distance with your family whilst occasionally continuing to do good with them.
- However, I would advise discussing if you could live in your own space rather than with his side of the family as many people have issues with the in-laws and given your situation it may be difficult. It is something you should discuss more openly later.
- Working independently
- If you are soon graduating and can find a job which can cover rent in a new place, then you can try to do this as well.
- However, I would also advise here the importance to continue to surround yourself with good companionship, so you don’t feel lonely [5]
May Allah grant you ease and success.
Only Allah ﷻ knows best.
Written by Maulana Iqtidar Ahmed
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
References:
[1] Quran 67:2. Ibn Kathir, Tafsir Al-Quran Al-Atheem, vol 8, p.176.
ٱلَّذِي خَلَقَ ٱلۡمَوۡتَ وَٱلۡحَيَوٰةَ لِيَبۡلُوَكُمۡ أَيُّكُمۡ أَحۡسَنُ عَمَلا
وَمَعْنَى الْآيَةِ: أَنَّهُ أَوْجَدَ الْخَلَائِقَ مِنَ الْعَدَمِ، لِيَبْلُوَهُمْ وَيَخْتَبِرَهُمْ أَيُّهُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا
[2] Quran 2:153. Ibn Kathir, Tafsir Al-Quran Al-Atheem, vol 1, p.466.
يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ ٱسۡتَعِينُواْ بِٱلصَّبۡرِ وَٱلصَّلَوٰةِۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ مَعَ ٱلصَّٰبِرِين
بَيَانِ الْأَمْرِ بِالشُّكْرِ شَرَعَ فِي بَيَانِ الصَّبْرِ، وَالْإِرْشَادِ إِلَى الِاسْتِعَانَةِ بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةَِ
[3] Quran 17:23. Ibn Kathir, Tafsir Al-Quran Al-Atheem, vol 5, p.64.
وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعۡبُدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَٰنًاۚ … فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُف وَلَا تَنۡهَرۡهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قولا كَرِيما
أَيْ: لَا تُسْمِعْهُمَا قَوْلًا سَيِّئًا
[4] Izzat Ubayd Al-Da’as, Al-Qawaid Al-Fiqhiyyah, p.28 (Dar Al-Tirmidhi).
لا ضرر ولا ضرار
[5] Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2378. Al-Mubarakphuri, Tuhfat Al-Ahwadi, vol 7, p.41.
الرَّجُلُ عَلَى دِينِ خَلِيلِهِ فَلْيَنْظُرْ أَحَدُكُمْ مَنْ يُخَالِلُ ” . قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ غَرِيبٌ .
على دين خليله ) أي على عادة صاحبه وطريقته وسيرته ( فلينظر ) أي فليتأمل وليتدبر ( من يخالل ) من المخالة وهي المصادقة والإخاء