Fatwa ID: 09032
Answered by Mufti Nuski Cassim
Question:
My wife gave birth to our first child 5 weeks ago. Since then we have had a very turbulent marriage, beginning from 2 weeks in when i asked her to decline anyone visiting the house for just 2-3 days so we could spend some genuine time with our son, as with guests over every day we were unable to spend substantial time with him during the day. This caused a huge argument where she claimed I was trying to stop her family from coming and that she wouldn’t say no to her family coming if they asked her. This has continued further where once i restarted work and asked that for one day she doesnt allow anyone to come over given how tired we were, she had a big argument again that she wouldnt stop her family and doesnt care I am tired. Bear in mind, we visit her family at least once a week and within the first 3 weeks of my childs birth, they were here most days.
She has become very aggressive since childbirth, and doesnt seem to be able to see logical reason to anything. E.g. today we were to go visit my family whi we have not seen fir 2 weeks, I asked her to get ready but she decided ti sort theough some gifts for our son instead and afterwards said she was too tired to go. I said for her to sleep and we won’t go today, and her mood swung to where she begrudgingly was adamant we go, but I knew she would be in an awful mood and would ruin our time there. I again said we will go another day and for her to sleep, but she went upstairs without saying and started getting ready, just to get angry that I had told my family we weren’t going. This kicked off another huge argument, but she is unable to see the basic logic that she said she was tired so I agreed we won’t go, just fir her to get angry that we weren’t going.
I am finding things extremely difficult at the moment. If i ask her to do something she refuses to do it, claims any decision i make she wont adhere to and that I am causing her depression. I have tried really hard to help with our newborn, taking half of the nights with our baby, taking him while i work so she can rest, doing all the cooking and cleaning of the house. She does not acknowledge any of this but claims only she is facing difficulties. I don’t one of this is post natal depression or something else, any advice on how to move forward as her constant insults and lack of empathy have really started to get to me.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Assalamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
Prior to addressing your query, we make du‘a to Allah ﷻ that He alleviates the stress and emotions that both of you are dealing with, and that He places understanding and serenity in your marriage. Ameen.
Postpartum depression is a type of depression that typically happens after childbirth, most commonly occurring around six weeks postpartum. However, it can also start during pregnancy.
Symptoms of PPD range from:
– Feeling extreme sadness or loneliness,
– Having severe mood swings or anxiety,
– Losing interest in things normally enjoyed,
– Worrying excessively or being on edge for no apparent reason.
[See: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression]
Having surveyed the details mentioned in your question, it seems that your wife may in fact be experiencing postpartum depression (PPD) and its associated symptoms.
Accordingly, our advice to you is the following:
1. Try to understand her emotions and the headspace that she currently is in.
2. Be gentle and patient with her.
3. Try to make your family understand that she is not purposely acting out and this behavior is only temporary (in Sha Allah).
Albeit annoying, this is a sensitive time where your wife needs you. And though you find things extremely difficult at the moment, it will soon pass. Thus, move forward with patience, empathy and love; for the best of people are those who are best to their wives.[1]
Only Allah ﷻ knows best.
Written by Mufti Nuski Cassim
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
References:
[1]
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بِشْرٍ، بَكْرُ بْنُ خَلَفٍ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَاصِمٍ، عَنْ جَعْفَرِ بْنِ يَحْيَى بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ، عَنْ عَمِّهِ، عُمَارَةَ بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ عَنْ عَطَاءٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ قَالَ” خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي ”
[سنن ابن ماجه، رقم الحديث: ١٩٧٧]