Fatwa ID: 09207
Answered by Muftiyah Maryam Badshah
Question:
In Islam are platonic co-parenting marriages acceptable in very very certain or special conditions or situations? As a Muslim therapist we can facilitate this to create a stable home for children, on agreeable terms and Allah SWT Knows Best perhaps the marriage remedy (only for certain situations). Is this acceptable?
For example, say that the below scenario has occurred. A wife has been living with her husband through 20 plus years of lying (big and small) and on top of that his harsh treatment (when his mood is low he is irritable, has anger outbursts, says negative words, blames her etc mostly in the past 7 years). She started finding out about the lies around two years into the marriage when her friend was talking to her friend’s husband on the phone and the friend’s husband did not hang up properly and the friend heard them talking about how much they would pay to sleep with some women. Lies continued through the years but from what she is aware not about women but lies about his friends and what he says to them about her, finances which has gotten very bad, him sitting on his computer late at night and when she walks in the room he will turn the laptop or switch his screen, sitting on his mobile and does the same behaviours on his mobile (he also would get times when he is addicted to gaming and his mobile) and other lies continued.
She made herself strong, overcame a lot and continued being a wife (seeing the home, cooking, sharing beds with him intimately, focused on raising their 4 children mostly single parented by her with trying to prioritise Deeni knowledge for them and previously when she worked which he allowed, she gave him the money as she gave him benefit of the doubt). Of course there were arguments when lies became apparent or harsh treatment escalated (this harsh treatment mostly in the past 7 years). Things only got worse and worse over the years and the lies/harsh treatment continued. Now their relationship is quite broken, with no trust or safety so she cannot bring herself to share a bed with him and dislikes his harsh treatment (he has anger outbursts, blaming, badgering, negative words). This and the lies or suspicious behaviours are really affecting her mental health nowadays.
In recent years, she has asked to him to go to therapy (he starts a few sessions then stops as he only goes because she said she will leave (first time this happened 7 years ago but he refused, two years ago he went for a brief time), he started again now as she was fed up after another bout of the lying, and negative behaviours etc), see a GP, see a Molana/Sheikh and previously begged to work on their relationship. She is exhausted and has become despondent and in despair. Mostly due to dealing with the lies, betrayals and he is not doing anything for himself or even to work together on their issues or wanting to speak to the Molana/Sheikh. She does not like her husband and does not want to be with him as she can not bear to sleep with him with how he treats her, the lies, betrayals, feeling unsafe in their intimate bond and how she feels towards him. This relationship and negative cycles are now affecting her mental health too and she too has no intimate relationship.
She has asked for a talaq but he refuses. She feels like she is in a prison or stuck as she is worried sha cannot share beds with him but cant leave.
- As two of their kids are still small if she stays with him to raise the children (as she mostly single parents the children especially about Deen) and they live amicably with no intimate relationship (because she can’t bring herself to that and he won’t let her go) will this be okay in Islam? For now he is not happy about it but agreeable as he will not divorce her (this may be an image issue for him, maybe he has mental health issues … we cannot be sure). Nonetheless, they are aware this may or may not work out long-term, he may change his mind in the future or get angry about the situation and things could go differently, Allah SWT Knows Best). As long as they are agreeable, is it a sin on her and him to live in this way and focus on their kids and live amicably with each other. Of course if it doesn’t work out they will likely separate as the home will then not be good for the kids. They are able to have normal conversations but when the lies come out and then the harsh treatment things escalate. However they can learn to cope amicably with this (of course if you know you don’t have to give yourself to the person it may be easier to endure). Will this be okay or are they sinful and better for them to separate/ divorce in Islam? She is fearful of earning Allah SWT Displeasure and being Cursed for not sharing a bed with him. She really wants a divorce but can’t get one.
- My second question is advice from an Islamic perspective (duas, rhuqaya, zikr etc) to help her cope in this home and also to stop herself from everytime feeling like she wants to leave or say this to him to get him to stop these behaviours or seek help. Usually after his badgering outburst or if lies have come out (she gets very sad and angry and also feels despair because these things continue). She has expressed she wants her kids to have a home with a mum and dad. They have other marital issues but perhaps couldn’t have had the opportunity to work on those due to these struggles that are a foundation in a relationship in Islam.
Perhaps this will give them the opportunity to raise their children InshAllah. And also perhaps Allah SWT guides them to khair and barakah between them. Again this is only for very special circumstances as outlined as I am aware of the right and duties of husband and wife to each other in normal marital contexts with minor/common marital problems.
If the above is not allowed please advise what she should do?
JazakAllahu Khair
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
“And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of Sulh between them – and Sulh is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allāh – then indeed Allāh is ever, of what you do, Aware.” Surah an-Nisā’ (4:128) [1]
It is permissible for spouses to make an agreement to not have intimate relations whilst remaining married and living together. When the two parties mutually agree to discuss and settle a valid dispute privately, this is known as Sulh. Sulh is a method of informal and private dispute resolution, and is often translated as “peace”, “agreement” and “settlement”. It has its parallels in Western ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution), such as mediation, conciliation and direct negotiation. It is only permissible for Sulh to be used for matters which fall under the right of the servant (Huqooq al-’Ibaad), and not that which is the right of Allah ﷻ (Huqooq Allah). The outcome of Sulh can be very flexible, and it should entail something one party has a right to give and the other has a right to receive, with the negotiation following the rules of offer and acceptance. There are a few points to keep in mind when the two parties engage in Sulh, which is that their agreement must be something beneficial (i.e. not harmful), it cannot make the haram halal or the halal haram, and neither party should be forced or bribed in the process. As not engaging in intimate relations is not harmful, and the benefits are keeping the marriage intact for their children in a safe and amicable manner for all parties, this would be considered a valid agreement and they would be permitted to agree to such terms. Both parties are free to negotiate a reversal or change to these terms at a later date if they wish.[2]
In addition, it has also been narrated that the Prophet ﷺ agreed to the proposal of Sawdah ﵂, when she made the offer to give her days with the Prophet ﷺ to ‘Ā’ishah ﵂, so long as she could remain married to him, as she feared her old age would result in a divorce. There is also the ayah in Surah an-Nisā’ which recommends Sulh when a wife does not wish for divorce.
Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas: “Sawdah feared that the Prophet ﷺ was going to divorce her, so she said: “Do not divorce me, but keep me and give my day to ‘Ā’ishah.” So he ﷺ did so, and the following was revealed: “Then there is no sin on them both if they make terms of Sulh (peaceful agreement) between themselves, and making Sulh is better” (4:128). So whatever they agree to make Sulh in something, then it is permissible.” (Jāmi’ at-Tirmidhī) [3]
Interpersonal relationships are complex and it is not always the best option to tolerate acts of injustice, as doing so often results in escalation and further harm. An individual should assess their situation and carefully weigh the benefits and harms of any action they wish to take, all while keeping in mind the temperament of the other party. If they struggle to make a decision, they should perform Istikharah and make an abundance of du’a and zikr, sincerely asking Allah ﷻ for guidance in the matter. Regardless of how things turn out, know that Allah ﷻ does what is best for us and that the Hereafter is our true goal in life.
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas ﵁ that the Prophet ﷺ said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [4]
The Prophet ﷺ never threatened or distressed any of his wives, and he always treated them with dignity, kindness and respect. No one should feel it is their duty to endure suffering, and neither should they be pressured into doing so, as it is everyone’s right to be treated in a good manner. If the sister feels her marriage is one she wishes to exit from, she has the right to do so. As a Muslim woman, while she cannot deliver the divorce herself, she has the options of khula’ or faskh. Khula’ is a negotiation made between spouses for a divorce, where the husband agrees to grant the wife divorce for a price. If an agreement cannot be reached and the wife still desires a divorce, she can seek a Shari’ah Council to mediate the situation. If they deem her request for a divorce as valid they may annul the marriage. When an Islamic court dissolves a marriage, this would be considered faskh (annulment), rather than khula’.[5]
“Divorce is twice. Then either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allāh. But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allāh, then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allāh, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allāh – it is those who are the wrongdoers.” Surah Al-Baqarah (2:229) [6]
“And when you divorce women and they have reached their term, then either retain them in a good manner or release them in a good manner, and do not keep them intending harm, to transgress [against them]. And whoever does that has certainly wronged himself. And do not take the verses of Allah in jest. And remember the favor of Allah upon you and what has been revealed to you of the Book and wisdom by which He instructs you. And fear Allah and know that Allah is Knowing of all things.” Surah Al-Baqarah (2:231) [7]
Only Allah ﷻ knows best.
Written by Muftiyah Maryam Badshah
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
References:
[1]
وَإِنِ امْرَأَةٌ خَافَتْ مِن بَعْلِهَا نُشُوزًا أَوْ إِعْرَاضًا فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَن يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًا ۚ وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ ۗ وَأُحْضِرَتِ الْأَنفُسُ الشُّحَّ ۚ وَإِن تُحْسِنُوا وَتَتَّقُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًا
Qur’an (4:128)
[2]
(كِتَابُ الصُّلْحِ)…
(الْبَابُ الْأَوَّلُ فِي تَفْسِيرِهِ شَرْعًا وَرُكْنِهِ وَحُكْمِهِ وَشَرَائِطِهِ وَأَنْوَاعِهِ)
أَمَّا تَفْسِيرُهُ شَرْعًا) فَهُوَ أَنَّهُ عَقْدٌ وُضِعَ لِرَفْعِ الْمُنَازَعَةِ بِالتَّرَاضِي هَكَذَا فِي النِّهَايَةِ. وَأَمَّا رُكْنُهُ فَالْإِيجَابُ مُطْلَقًا وَالْقَبُولُ فِيمَا يَتَعَيَّنُ بِالتَّعْيِينِ…
وَمِنْهَا) أَنْ يَكُونَ الْمُصَالَحُ عَنْهُ حَقَّ الْعَبْدِ لَا حَقَّ اللَّهِ سَوَاءٌ كَانَ مَالًا عَيْنًا أَوْ دَيْنًا أَوْ حَقًّا لَيْسَ بِمَالِ عَيْنٍ وَلَا دَيْنٍ…
Al-Fatāwa al-Hindiyyah (Vol.4, pg.228-30, Dār Al-Fiqr)
وَلَوْ بَذَلَ الْمَالَ لَبَذَلَهُ لِدَفْعِ خُصُومَةٍ بَاطِلَةٍ فَكَانَ فِي مَعْنَى الرِّشْوَةِ (وَلَنَا) ظَاهِرُ قَوْله تَعَالَى ﴿وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ﴾ [النساء: ١٢٨] ، وَصَفَ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى عَزَّ شَأْنُهُ جِنْسَ الصُّلْحِ بِالْخَيْرِيَّةِ، وَمَعْلُومٌ أَنَّ الْبَاطِلَ لَا يُوصَفُ بِالْخَيْرِيَّةِ، فَكَانَ كُلُّ صُلْحٍ مَشْرُوعًا بِظَاهِرِ هَذَا النَّصِّ إلَّا مَا خُصَّ بِدَلِيلٍ…
الَّذِي يَرْجِعُ إلَى الْمُصَالِحِ
فَأَنْوَاعٌ: (مِنْهَا) أَنْ يَكُونَ عَاقِلًا، وَهَذَا شَرْطٌ عَامٌّ فِي جَمِيعِ التَّصَرُّفَاتِ كُلِّهَا فَلَا يَصِحُّ صُلْحُ الْمَجْنُونِ وَالصَّبِيِّ الَّذِي لَا يَعْقِلُ لِانْعِدَامِ أَهْلِيَّةِ التَّصَرُّفِ بِانْعِدَامِ الْعَقْلِ…
Badā’i’ Al-Ṣanā’i’ (Vol.6, pg.40, Dār Al-Kutub Al-’Ilmiyyah)
وَالثَّانِي أَنْ يَكُونَ حَقُّ الْمُصَالِحِ، وَالثَّالِثُ أَنْ يَكُونَ حَقًّا ثَابِتًا لَهُ فِي الْمَحَلِّ فَمَا لَا يَكُونُ حَقًّا لَهُ، أَوْ لَا يَكُونُ حَقًّا ثَابِتًا لَهُ فِي الْمَحَلِّ لَا يَجُوزُ الصُّلْحُ عَنْهُ…
Badā’i’ Al-Ṣanā’i’ (Vol.6, pg.49, Dār Al-Kutub Al-’Ilmiyyah)
[3]
حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو دَاوُدَ الطَّيَالِسِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ مُعَاذٍ، عَنْ سِمَاكٍ، عَنْ عِكْرِمَةَ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، قَالَ خَشِيَتْ سَوْدَةُ أَنْ يُطَلِّقَهَا، النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَتْ لاَ تُطَلِّقْنِي وَأَمْسِكْنِي وَاجْعَلْ يَوْمِي لِعَائِشَةَ فَفَعَلَ فَنَزَلَتْ : ( فَلاَ جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا أَنْ يُصْلِحَا بَيْنَهُمَا صُلْحًا وَالصُّلْحُ خَيْرٌ ) . فَمَا اصْطَلَحَا عَلَيْهِ مِنْ شَيْءٍ فَهُوَ جَائِزٌ كَأَنَّهُ مِنْ قَوْلِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ . قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ صَحِيحٌ غَرِيبٌ .
Jāmi’ at-Tirmidhī 3040 (Bk.47, ch.5, sunnah.com)
[4]
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بِشْرٍ، بَكْرُ بْنُ خَلَفٍ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَاصِمٍ، عَنْ جَعْفَرِ بْنِ يَحْيَى بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ، عَنْ عَمِّهِ، عُمَارَةَ بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ عَنْ عَطَاءٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ قَالَ “ خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي ” .
Sunan Ibn Majah 1977 (Vol. 3, pg.185, Kitab Bhavan)
[5]
الْبَابُ الثَّامِنُ فِي الْخُلْعِ وَمَا فِي حُكْمِهِ وَفِيهِ ثَلَاثَةُ فُصُولٍ الْفَصْلُ الْأَوَّلُ فِي شَرَائِطِ الْخُلْعِ وَحُكْمِهِ وَمَا يَتَعَلَّقُ بِهِ الْخُلْعُ إزَالَةُ مِلْكِ النِّكَاحِ بِبَدَلٍ بِلَفْظِ الْخُلْعِ…
وَحُكْمُهُ) وُقُوعُ الطَّلَاقِ الْبَائِنِ كَذَا فِي التَّبْيِينِ…
إذَا تَشَاقَّ الزَّوْجَانِ وَخَافَا أَنْ لَا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَلَا بَأْسَ بِأَنْ تَفْتَدِيَ نَفْسَهَا مِنْهُ بِمَالٍ يَخْلَعُهَا بِهِ فَإِذَا فَعَلَا ذَلِكَ وَقَعَتْ تَطْلِيقَةٌ بَائِنَةٌ وَلَزِمَهَا الْمَالُ كَذَا فِي الْهِدَايَةِ.
إنْ كَانَ النُّشُوزُ مِنْ قِبَلِ الزَّوْجِ فَلَا يَحِلُّ لَهُ أَخْذُ شَيْءٍ مِنْ الْعِوَضِ عَلَى الْخُلْعِ وَهَذَا حُكْمُ الدِّيَانَةِ فَإِنْ أَخَذَ جَازَ ذَلِكَ فِي الْحُكْمُ وَلَزِمَ حَتَّى لَا تَمْلِكَ اسْتِرْدَادَهُ كَذَا فِي الْبَدَائِعِ.
Al-Fatāwa al-Hindiyyah (Vol.1, pg.488, Dār Al-Fiqr)
وَأَمَّا مَسَائِلُ الْخُلْعِ) فَاعْلَمْ بِأَنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ فِي بَابِ الْخُلْعِ نَظِيرُ الرَّجُلِ فِي بَابِ النِّكَاحِ لِأَنَّ مَنْ يُتَوَقَّعُ مِنْهُ الْبَذْلُ فِي الْخُلْعِ الْمَرْأَةُ، وَمَنْ يُتَوَقَّعُ مِنْهُ الْبَذْلُ فِي بَابِ النِّكَاحِ الزَّوْجُ، فَإِنْ بَذَلَتْ الْمَرْأَةُ مَنْفَعَةَ أَرْضِهَا أَوْ مَنْفَعَةَ نَفْسِهَا فَلِلزَّوْجِ عَلَى الْمَرْأَةِ…
Raddul Muhtār (Vol.5, pg.266, Dār Al-Fiqr)
وَأَمَّا بَيَانُ مَا يَرْفَعُ حُكْمَ النِّكَاحِ، فَبَيَانُهُ بَيَانُ مَا تَقَعُ بِهِ الْفُرْقَةُ بَيْنَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ، وَلِوُقُوعِ الْفُرْقَةِ بَيْنَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ أَسْبَابٌ لَكِنَّ الْوَاقِعَ بِبَعْضِهَا فُرْقَةٌ بِطَلَاقٍ، وَبَعْضُهَا فُرْقَةٌ بِغَيْرِ طَلَاقٍ، وَفِي بَعْضِهَا يَقَعُ فُرْقَةٌ بِغَيْرِ قَضَاءِ الْقَاضِي، وَفِي بَعْضِهَا لَا يَقَعُ إلَّا بِقَضَاءِ الْقَاضِي، فَنَذْكُرُ جُمْلَةَ ذَلِكَ بِتَوْفِيقِ اللَّهِ مِنْهَا
الطَّلَاقُ بِصَرِيحِهِ، وَكِنَايَاتِهِ، وَلَهُ كِتَابٌ مُفْرَدٌ، وَمِنْهَا اللِّعَانُ وَلَا تَقَعُ الْفُرْقَةُ إلَّا بِتَفْرِيقِ الْقَاضِي عِنْدَ أَصْحَابِنَا
Badā’i’ Al-Ṣanā’i’ (Vol.2, pg.336, Dār Al-Kutub Al-’Ilmiyyah)
[6]
الطَّلَاقُ مَرَّتَانِ ۖ فَإِمْسَاكٌ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ تَسْرِيحٌ بِإِحْسَانٍ ۗ وَلَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَأْخُذُوا مِمَّا آتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ شَيْئًا إِلَّا أَن يَخَافَا أَلَّا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ ۖ فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَلَا جُنَاحَ عَلَيْهِمَا فِيمَا افْتَدَتْ بِهِ ۗ تِلْكَ حُدُودُ اللَّهِ فَلَا تَعْتَدُوهَا ۚ وَمَن يَتَعَدَّ حُدُودَ اللَّهِ فَأُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ الظَّالِمُونَ
Qur’an (2:229)
[7]
وَإِذَا طَلَّقْتُمُ النِّسَاءَ فَبَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ فَأَمْسِكُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ سَرِّحُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ ۚ وَلَا تُمْسِكُوهُنَّ ضِرَارًا لِّتَعْتَدُوا ۚ وَمَن يَفْعَلْ ذَٰلِكَ فَقَدْ ظَلَمَ نَفْسَهُ ۚ وَلَا تَتَّخِذُوا آيَاتِ اللَّهِ هُزُوًا ۚ وَاذْكُرُوا نِعْمَتَ اللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ وَمَا أَنزَلَ عَلَيْكُم مِّنَ الْكِتَابِ وَالْحِكْمَةِ يَعِظُكُم بِهِ ۚ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ بِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ عَلِيمٌ
Qur’an (2:231)