Fatwa ID: 06438
Answered by: Muftiyah Habiba Akhtar
Question:
I am married for over 2 years. I and my wife are never been able to perform sexual intercourse because my wife never let me to even try. Although strange thing is that she never showed any reluctance in foreplay in starting year of marriage. But afterward, she usually avoids being close and starts shouting and becoming abusive. Sometimes she is happy and nice as well. But she seems reluctant all time when I get closer, it really feels like I am forcing myself on her. She does not want a checkup and does not want to talk about it. I do not know what to do.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
In Islam, husbands and wives have rights toward each other.
It is a common misconception that only wives have to fulfill their husband’s rights. In fact, husbands have to fulfill the rights of their wives and some are:
- Fair and the right treatment
- Not hurting them
Allah SWT says:
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards to living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” (1)
Therefore, both have to honor each other and treat each other with respect. This means protecting each other from humiliation and hurt.
Islam highly emphasizes good treatment of women and some examples of this are:
- Allah SWT says: “and live with them honorably” (2)
- From the Sunnah:
- Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah’s Apostle said, “Treat women nicely, for a woman is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely.” (3)
- Narrated `Aisha: Once I saw Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) at the door of my house while some Ethiopians were playing in the mosque (displaying their skill with spears). Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) was screening me with his Rida’ so as to enable me to see their display. (4)
Hence, we see that women have the rights to be treated fairly and be interacted with in a respectable manner.
On the other hand, husbands have rights that their wives must fulfill and one is the call to intimacy.
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the angels will curse her till morning.” (5)
It is a husband’s right to have his needs fulfilled by his wife. As the hadith states, if the refusal causes anger or displeasure upon the husband, this would mean the refusal wasn’t for an accurate or sufficient reason and therefore has displeased the husband. This would mean a woman isn’t fulfilling her responsibilities.
When discrepancies are found in one spouse, this will lead to discrepancies in the other spouse and thus this will create a fragile relationship with rights unfulfilled by both.
Hence, it wouldn’t be permissible to refuse your husband any sort of relationship without a valid reason.
So, we can see that marriage requires two people to adapt to each other and intertwine their lives. Not doing so will not allow a smooth journey and will impact both parties.
In response to your query, in order to maintain the rights of each other in a marriage to keep the balance, you both should communicate with each other and strive to get to the bottom of the issues. Communication and solution would require patience which can be fruitful for your marriage. Ask what her reservations are to see if the issue is medical or if she feels unsatisfied.
Only Allah knows best
Written by Muftiyah Habiba Akhtar
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
(1)
{ وَٱلۡمُطَلَّقَـٰتُ یَتَرَبَّصۡنَ بِأَنفُسِهِنَّ ثَلَـٰثَةَ قُرُوۤءࣲۚ وَلَا یَحِلُّ لَهُنَّ أَن یَكۡتُمۡنَ مَا خَلَقَ ٱللَّهُ فِیۤ أَرۡحَامِهِنَّ إِن كُنَّ یُؤۡمِنَّ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلۡیَوۡمِ ٱلۡـَٔاخِرِۚ وَبُعُولَتُهُنَّ أَحَقُّ بِرَدِّهِنَّ فِی ذَ ٰلِكَ إِنۡ أَرَادُوۤا۟ إِصۡلَـٰحࣰاۚ وَلَهُنَّ مِثۡلُ ٱلَّذِی عَلَیۡهِنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَیۡهِنَّ دَرَجَةࣱۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَزِیزٌ حَكِیمٌ }
[Surah Al-Baqarah: 228]
(2)
(یَـٰۤأَیُّهَا ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَا یَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُوا۟ ٱلنِّسَاۤءَ كَرۡهࣰاۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُوا۟ بِبَعۡضِ مَاۤ ءَاتَیۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّاۤ أَن یَأۡتِینَ بِفَـٰحِشَةࣲ مُّبَیِّنَةࣲۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰۤ أَن تَكۡرَهُوا۟ شَیۡـࣰٔا وَیَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِیهِ خَیۡرࣰا كَثِیرࣰا)
[Surah An-Nisa’ 19]
(3)
حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، وَمُوسَى بْنُ حِزَامٍ، قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا حُسَيْنُ بْنُ عَلِيٍّ، عَنْ زَائِدَةَ، عَنْ مَيْسَرَةَ الأَشْجَعِيِّ، عَنْ أَبِي حَازِمٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم “ اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ، فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ خُلِقَتْ مِنْ ضِلَعٍ، وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَىْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلاَهُ، فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ، وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لَمْ يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ، فَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ ”.
Sahih al-Bukhari 3331
(4)
حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الْعَزِيزِ بْنُ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا إِبْرَاهِيمُ بْنُ سَعْدٍ، عَنْ صَالِحٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ شِهَابٍ، قَالَ أَخْبَرَنِي عُرْوَةُ بْنُ الزُّبَيْرِ، أَنَّ عَائِشَةَ، قَالَتْ لَقَدْ رَأَيْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَوْمًا عَلَى باب حُجْرَتِي، وَالْحَبَشَةُ يَلْعَبُونَ فِي الْمَسْجِدِ وَرَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَسْتُرُنِي بِرِدَائِهِ، أَنْظُرُ إِلَى لَعِبِهِمْ.
Sahih Bukhari 454
(5)
حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَوَانَةَ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ أَبِي حَازِمٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم “ إِذَا دَعَا الرَّجُلُ امْرَأَتَهُ إِلَى فِرَاشِهِ فَأَبَتْ، فَبَاتَ غَضْبَانَ عَلَيْهَا، لَعَنَتْهَا الْمَلاَئِكَةُ حَتَّى تُصْبِحَ ”.
Sahih al-Bukhari 3237
