Fatwa ID: 07154
Answered by: Maulana Burhaan Rahman
Question:
I want to ask you a question. If a wife deprives a husband to perform intercourse never even once in marriage. But she satisfy his needs in some other manner which is permissible but not through intercourse. Husband wants it but she do not agree with him, as a necessity he have to do how his wife says to satisfy his needs.
In Islam a man has no rights to force his wife for intercourse. If husband also do not want children’s yet what are his option if wife do not agree at any cost?
Should he divorce her or talk to family about this issue as this is kind of personal problem?
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
When it comes to situations and problems around the husband and wife i.e. intercourse, emotional needs, having children etc. one has to work their way around it according to however much they can by the will of Allah.
I understand there are two points here to discuss; one about 1) having intercourse and the other about 2) having children.
Divorce is the last resort in the marriage and is never advised in Islam to take that route. The husband and the wife are to try their best to resolve the issues to the best of their sincere ability.
1) Having intercourse
Addressing the situation in the question and all men as well – the sense of emotional, spiritual, or mental connection or safety with the husband is important. When the wife views sexual activity as solely physical and not much more than that, that’s when problems arise.
Frankly, keeping a wife who is open to sexual intercourse requires a lot of effort on the part of the husband. Sadly, a lot of men may not be eager to do that work. They desire the least amount of disruption and discomfort possible in their lives and expect that they can have access to their sexual needs whenever they need them.
It mentions in the chapter in Bukhari named; “the exhortation of taking care of the women” our beloved prophet (SAW) mentions:
وَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا فَإِنَّهُنَّ خُلِقْنَ مِنْ ضِلَعٍ وَإِنَّ أَعْوَجَ شَيْءٍ فِي الضِّلَعِ أَعْلَاهُ فَإِنْ ذَهَبْتَ تُقِيمُهُ كَسَرْتَهُ وَإِنْ تَرَكْتَهُ لَمْ يَزَلْ أَعْوَجَ فَاسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا
And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked, so I urge you to take care of the women. [Bukhari Hadeeth no: 5185]
Also the man must play around, joke around and be gentle with foreplay as well. Our beloved prophet (SAW) also mentions:
كلُّ مَا يَلْهُو بِهِ الرَّجُلُ الْمُسْلِمُ بَاطِلٌ إِلاَّ رَمْيَهُ بِقَوْسِهِ وَتَأْدِيبَهُ فَرَسَهُ وَمُلاَعَبَتَهُ أَهْلَهُ فَإِنَّهُنَّ مِنَ الْحَقِّ
All idle pastimes that the Muslim man engages in are falsehood, except for his shooting of his bow, his training of his horse, and ‘his playing with his wife’, for they are from truth. [Tirmidhi Hadeeth no: 1637]
The other thing is very much worth mentioning is that I advise everyone/all of us to carry on making sincere Du’aa to help the husband with this issue whilst performing all other obligatory actions as Allah is the one who sends down his barakah.
He SWT mentions:
وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ ۚ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُۥٓ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَـٰلِغُ أَمْرِهِ
And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah brings about what he decrees. [Surah Talaq verse 3]
The Al-mighty also says:
إن الله لا يضيع أجر المحسنين
Indeed Allah does not put to waste the good of the good doers [Surah Hud 115]
2) Having children
In Abu Dawud [Hadeeth no: 2050] it mentions:
جَاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ إِنِّي أَصَبْتُ امْرَأَةً ذَاتَ حَسَبٍ وَجَمَالٍ وَإِنَّهَا لاَ تَلِدُ أَفَأَتَزَوَّجُهَا قَالَ ” لاَ ” . ثُمَّ أَتَاهُ الثَّانِيَةَ فَنَهَاهُ ثُمَّ أَتَاهُ الثَّالِثَةَ فَقَالَ ” تَزَوَّجُوا الْوَدُودَ الْوَلُودَ فَإِنِّي مُكَاثِرٌ بِكُمُ الأُمَمَ
The Prophet received a visit from a man who announced, “I have discovered a woman of rank and beauty, but she does not bear children.” Must I propose to her? No, he replied. He tried to approach him again, but he was forbidden. On his third visit, he (the Prophet) advised him, “to marry loving, fertile women since I will be pleased with your large population when it is brought before other nations.”
One mays ask when feel pessimistic of having children. Why should I exhaust my energy upon them? Perhaps my financial situation may change after spending on child?
A type of Ibaadah involves having children and raising them in an environment that supports Islam and Islamic teaching in the hope that they would become outstanding Muslims when they grow up (worship). And Allah SWT would reward us and bless us for doing so.
Our beloved prophet (SAW) has mentioned:
أَلاَ كُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ فَالأَمِيرُ الَّذِي عَلَى النَّاسِ رَاعٍ وَهُوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ وَالرَّجُلُ رَاعٍ عَلَى أَهْلِ بَيْتِهِ وَهُوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْهُمْ وَالْمَرْأَةُ رَاعِيَةٌ عَلَى بَيْتِ بَعْلِهَا وَوَلَدِهِ وَهِيَ مَسْئُولَةٌ عَنْهُمْ وَالْعَبْدُ رَاعٍ عَلَى مَالِ سَيِّدِهِ وَهُوَ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْهُ أَلاَ فَكُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ
Beware. Every one of you is a shepherd and everyone is answerable with regard to his flock. The Caliph is a shepherd over the people and shall be questioned about his subjects (as to how he conducted their affairs). A man is a guardian over the members of his family and shall be questioned about them (as to how he looked after their physical and moral well-being). A woman is a guardian over the household of her husband and his children and shall be questioned about them (as to how she managed the household and brought up the children). A slave is a guardian over the property of his master and shall be questioned about it (as to how he safeguarded his trust). Be careful—each of you is a guardian, and every one of you will have his trust questioned. [Muslim Hadeeth no: 1829]
It is important to face the situation head-on and to be optimistic about having children and improving the growth of Muslims worldwide. The Du’aa a parent can make when having children is described in a passage in the Qur’an. Prophet Ibraaheem requests from Allah good children.
Ibraaheem (AS)’s du’aa which is mentioned in the Qur’an:
رَبِّ هَبْ لِي مِنَ الصَّالِحِينَ
My Lord! Grant me offspring from the righteous. [Surah Saafaat verse 100]
In numerous ways, Allah commends his good followers, like when He declared:
وَٱلَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَٰجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍۢ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
Those who proclaim, ‘Our Lord! Give us the consolation of your eyes from our wives and our children, and make us the leaders of the Muttaqoon (god-conscious)” [Surah Furqaan verse 74]
Extra note: And finally I want to add since you mentioned it in your question regarding divorce. Divorce for such matters mentioned above (intercourse/having children) should not be an option, rather matters to fix and resolve by the will of Allah. Be persistent in making Du’aa and carrying out the Islamic duties. Allah SWT mentions:
مَنۡ عَمِلَ صَالِحًـا مِّنۡ ذَكَرٍ اَوۡ اُنۡثٰى وَهُوَ مُؤۡمِنٌ فَلَـنُحۡيِيَنَّهٗ حَيٰوةً طَيِّبَةً وَلَـنَجۡزِيَـنَّهُمۡ اَجۡرَهُمۡ بِاَحۡسَنِ مَا كَانُوۡا يَعۡمَلُوۡنَ
Whosoever acts righteously – whether a man or a woman – and embraces belief, we will surely grant him a good life; and will surely grant such persons their reward according to the best of their deeds. [Surah Nahl verse 16]
Divorcing is a very serious matter although one has the authority to do so, it is not advised.
Our beloved prophet (SAW) has mentioned:
ثلاث جدهن جد وهزلهن جد: النكاح والطلاق والرجعة
“Three are serious when they are serious, and serious when they are in jest (joke): Marriage, divorce, and return.” [Abu Dawud Hadeeth number: 2194/ Tirmidhi Hadeeth no: 1184]
Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best.
Written by Maulana Burhaan Rahman
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
