Fatwa ID: 06684
Answered by: Maulana Mohammed Dilwar Hussain
Question:
I am married to my wife for 8 years she is a beautiful good character and is good with family members respecting and taking good care but we don’t have Active Sex life and there is no good emotional attachment between us. There is no romance in our marriage. During intercourse as well she is not comfortable I feel like I am forcing her to do it. There is no enjoyment in it. I spoke with her about it as well she said I dont get feelings and therefore no excitement.
Does this behaviour mean she dont like me?
Will I be able to look for 2nd wife to fulfil my Sexual and Emotional requirements? We make intercourse hardly 1 time in a month if more maximum of 2 times a month.
What is your best advice for me to fulfil my sexual and emotional requirements.? Often I think of going for 2nd wife. Can it solve my requirement? Please advise.
In the name of Allāh, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Maintaining a healthy intimate relationship is crucial for the physical, psychological and emotional aspects of a marriage.
You can love each other; however, you could also become a mismatch in the bedroom. Preferences change over time. What one of you use to like, you may no longer like. This is difficult to touch upon. We, as Muslims, have an innate quality of modesty and there are specific topics which we are shy to talk about. This is one of those topics.
At times, we find that after the honeymoon period phases away and the initial thrill of marriage wears off, lustful advances get turned away and the other feels annoyed. Those little hints and subtle motions can become crude and incomplete forms of communication open to misinterpretation or no interpretation.
At this stage, the conversation becomes a doorway to better bedroom experiences without fear of rejection or embarrassment. Whatever you like or dislike, speak it. Establish enough trust that you both can truly be honest with each other about these things.
After the initial honeymoon period, maintaining a healthy bedroom life takes effort, especially when there are kids in the picture. An active effort needs to be there from both sides. It does not just happen. You have to make time for one another. You adorn yourselves and look your bests for each other. Dress up and look the part. Throughout the day, find intervals to arouse one another by building up the intensity. Send messages to each other, call one another and etc.
Nights might not always be the best time. Perhaps mornings, afternoons, or weekends. Mix it up and see what works best for you. Sometimes, fixing a day or time can also help to build up the anticipation and allows both spouses enough time to adequately prepare themselves.
Preparing for intimacy is as important as the act itself. Both spouses should take care to prepare themselves for it to enjoy their union to the full extent. Being remiss in this could have detrimental consequences.
For instance, it was a habit of the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ to clean his mouth and teeth with the Miswak (toothbrush) when entering the house to visit His wives. [Sahih al-Muslim: Hadith 253] [1]
The Prophet ﷺ would also make other efforts, such as not entering the home at night when returning from travel so as not to arrive unexpectedly. Thus, giving His wives sufficient time for them to prepare themselves.
Emotional intimacy is also key to a happy and stable marriage. You both need to build a sense of attachment to each other and the marriage you have developed. This attachment will allow you both to lower your guard and become emotionally open and vulnerable to each other. We, as humans, are social beings and are at one’s best when we feel attached to one another through our marriage. If you both feel safe with each other and are able to be open emotionally then you will feel connected, feel empathy and have a more profound knowledge of the other.
Through this, sexual intimacy will hold a more profound impact on the marriage.
The easy escape is to consider marrying again. But that does not guarantee the same problems not occurring again. You should first attempt the advice above and try to build a strong successful marriage rather than looking for the easier way out, which could become a far worse outcome.
Only Allāh Ta’ālā knows best.
Written by Maulana Mohammed Dilwar Hussain
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
[1]حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو كُرَيْبٍ، مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْعَلاَءِ حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ بِشْرٍ، عَنْ مِسْعَرٍ، عَنِ الْمِقْدَامِ بْنِ شُرَيْحٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، قَالَ سَأَلْتُ عَائِشَةَ قُلْتُ بِأَىِّ شَىْءٍ كَانَ يَبْدَأُ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم إِذَا دَخَلَ بَيْتَهُ قَالَتْ بِالسِّوَاكِ .
[2]حَدَّثَنِي أَبُو بَكْرِ بْنُ أَبِي شَيْبَةَ، حَدَّثَنَا يَزِيدُ بْنُ هَارُونَ، عَنْ هَمَّامٍ، عَنْ إِسْحَاقَ، بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ أَبِي طَلْحَةَ عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ، أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم كَانَ لاَ يَطْرُقُ أَهْلَهُ لَيْلاً وَكَانَ يَأْتِيهِمْ غُدْوَةً أَوْ عَشِيَّةً .
