Fatwa ID: 07988
Answered by : Alimah Saleha Bukhari Islam
Question:
As Salam Alaykoom. I am Algerian, I m living in France so I don’t have a good English and I m sorry if I am hard to understand (normally I follow Maliki fiqh but I wanted to talk to you about a matter in my faith and to have the opinion of reliable Hanafi sources because I liked this school of fiqh).
My problem is the following: I am a man, and I would have been ready to do anything for my religion if I had not discovered that a woman must obey her husband. Personally, I have two sisters whom I love deeply and whom I wish to protect from all harm, safeguarding their dignity—I truly love them. But I discovered that when a woman marries, she is obliged to obey everything her husband orders her, as long as it is within the limits of what is permissible. Even this deeply displeases me.
I cannot imagine myself as someone who gives orders to my wife. I want her to also have her dignity, and I would not feel right having more authority over the household than her. If she has disagreements, I would want to hear and listen to her because she seems intelligent enough for that. While I do not reject my role as qawwam for her because it is ordained, having authority over her seems insulting to me. I have tried to listen to the arguments put forth to support this idea, but nothing convinces me.
Just as I am the eldest in my family, I cannot see myself giving orders to my younger brothers and sisters. As a father, I would respect my children; once they reach a certain age of maturity, I would no longer order them around and would let them live their lives, as long as they do not disobey Allah. Indeed, I do not understand why a woman must obey her husband in everything that is permissible. I find it very degrading for women, and I have always been opposed to Western cultures, if you want to know—I do not feel influenced by Western culture personally—but I am stuck on this issue.
I see women as having very, very high dignity, and I do not see obedience to one’s husband as in any way a proof of dignity. Please know that I do not ask this question in the name of controversy. I am sincere in what I say, but I have a very, very big problem with this point, and your website has not provided me with consolation. I have even cried over this. I see women as having as much dignity as men. I am not saying that a woman must work outside the home, being feminist,or do as westerners say etc., but on this issue, I feel deeply troubled.
Even when it comes to the husband having the final say, I can understand that in certain matters, the husband, being financially responsible, has the final word—specifically in matters that stem from his financial responsibility, such as housing, expenses, and the education of children. But I feel that cooperation is far better. I know that disputes will inevitably arise, but this is unavoidable, and it is better to advise husbands and wives to be diplomatic. I wish the best for my family members, and I would feel defiled if one of my sisters had to obey her husband in everything that is halal.
For instance, I saw a video by Sheikh Assim Al-Hakeem, who said that the husband makes the “Simon says” rules as he pleases. Even if he considers his wife’s opinion, the power to decide ultimately rests with him. This feels cruel. No one should have the final word unless it is an extreme emergency. I feel deeply troubled by this question and am very, very worried.
Additionally, I have read multiple times that some muftis say women are less intelligent than men, which has never been proven. My sisters are far more intelligent than my brothers, by far. Many women, and perhaps even a majority, are surely more intelligent than men. It is extremely degrading to describe them in such terms. I understand that men and women are not the same; hormones play specific sexual roles. But in other aspects, nothing has ever been proven. What I mean by this is that a woman is always capable of what a man can do, within limits because we are different, but we are also both human. For example, a woman can have the same ability to teach as a man, a man can be more nurturing than a woman, and a woman can be a better leader than a man. This is basic knowledge.
My younger sister is a far better leader than my younger brother. Throughout history, numerous women have distinguished themselves as particularly powerful and possessing impressive leadership skills, even in the Muslim community—for example, the mother of Harun Al-Rashid. One of the most learned Maliki scholars, Ibn Rushd, acknowledged that women were intellectually similar to men. I know that I am not focusing solely on Islamic texts, but our scholars say that science goes hand in hand with Islam.
Finally, I feel extremely sorry, first before Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) and also before you, who must surely see this question as something vile coming from a Muslim. I am once again sorry. I read so much about this topic that it almost destroys my faith and my peace of mind. I cling to my faith only thanks to the Quran, which I learn every day. Otherwise, I feel great pain in my heart because of this issue—I cannot emphasize this enough.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Within societies, communities, groups, or teams, logic dictates for there to be one person to take the leadership role; otherwise, there would be anarchy in meeting a structured goal. Even in our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is an excellent example of such an essential leadership role. He was chosen by Allah above all others. Similarly, Allah has addressed and attributed us all as having an essential leadership role in some form or another within the society, the community, and within our families. The men, women, and children of this nation (Ummah) have a responsibility to fulfil the rights of Allah and the rights of other human beings.
Narrated Ibn Umar (ra):
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “All of you are guardians and are responsible for your guardianship. The ruler is a guardian, and the man is a guardian of his family, the lady is a guardian and is responsible for her husband’s household and his offspring, and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your guardianship.”[1]
[Bukhari 5200]
According to Islamic teachings, a father has significant responsibilities towards his family. He is tasked with choosing a virtuous wife who can be a good mother to their children, underscoring the importance of a nurturing home environment. Additionally, a father is responsible for naming his children thoughtfully, educating them in the teachings of the Quran, and instilling good manners. He is also obligated to provide financial support for the household, ensuring the family’s needs are met. These duties highlight the multifaceted role of a father in fostering both the spiritual, physical, and mental well-being of his family.
The statement you mentioned regarding the husband making decisions in the household needs to be understood in the broader Islamic context of mutual consultation (shura) and kindness (mawaddah). Islam encourages husbands and wives to make decisions together. The Quran states:
“And consult them in affairs. Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah…” [Quran 3:159] [2]
This verse, although initially addressing the Prophet Muhammad, is a principle that applies broadly and emphasises cooperation and mutual respect.
While Islamic teachings do grant the husband a degree of leadership in the family, this is not a license for authoritarian rule but a responsibility to lead with justice, wisdom, and compassion. Thus, in Islam, the concept of a woman obeying her husband is derived from the rulings of Quran and Hadith and is contextualised within the framework of mutual respect and responsibility between spouses. This obedience is not absolute and is subject to the standards of fairness, kindness, and the condition that it does not involve disobedience to Allah.
The Quran lays the foundation for mutual rights and duties between spouses. It states:
“And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them.” [Quran 2:228] [3]
“Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which Allah has placed much good.” [Quran 4:19] [4]
These verses emphasise kindness, mutual respect, and the responsibilities husbands have toward their wives, highlighting that while men have a degree of responsibility over women, both partners have reciprocal rights and duties.
The Prophet Muhammad further clarified the dynamics of marital relationships in many ahadith:
It was narrated from Ibn Abbas (ra) that: the Prophet said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Ibn Majah 1977] [5]
Abdullah bin Amr bin Al- ‘As (ra) reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) did not indulge in loose talk, nor did he like to listen to it. He used to say, “The best of you is the best among you in conduct.” [Sahih al-Bukhari 3559] [6]
In another hadith, it was narrated that the Prophet said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise you will be a loser).” [Bukhari 5090]
These teachings highlight that while there is a leadership role for men in marriage, it must be exercised with compassion and wisdom. Islamic scholars outline that a woman’s obedience to her husband is generally in matters that do not conflict with Islamic teachings and her personal rights. For example, obedience is considered in the context of:
- Managing household affairs.
- Nurturing a family.
- Mutual judgements regarding children’s upbringing and family welfare.
It is crucial, however, that obedience does not involve anything that is haram (forbidden) or that which breaches her rights. For instance, she should not obey her husband if he prevents her from fulfilling her religious duties or abuses her rights clearly stipulated by Islam.
Islamic law also provides women with specific rights and protections:
- The right to financial maintenance (nafaqah: including food, clothing, and accommodation).
- The right to kind and fair treatment.
- The right to sexual fulfilment.
- The right to emotional support.
It is well known that often people in authority may abuse the power invested in them by Allah. Nevertheless, it is sufficient for us to know that no one will escape accountability for the injustice done to others through manipulation of the powers invested in them.
Regarding the claim about women’s intelligence, it’s crucial to understand that Islamic texts should not be interpreted in ways that effect stereotypes or diminish the dignity of women. The hadith often cited in this context discusses the testimony of women and is specific to certain legal contexts, not a general commentary on intelligence. Islamic history is filled with women who were scholars, businesswomen, and leaders, which clearly shows that Islam recognises and has facilitated women’s capabilities and contributions to society.
In conclusion, the view of a woman’s obedience in Islam is balanced with her rights and duties. It encourages cooperation and mutual respect within the marriage, with the goal of maintaining harmony whilst living a healthy family life. As always, the interpretations and applications of these principles can vary, and it’s advisable to consult knowledgeable Islamic scholars for detailed guidance in complex personal or legal matters.
Your feelings of concern reflect a sensitivity to fairness and respect for both genders’ capabilities and roles. It’s a valuable trait to continue exploring these topics through direct engagement with knowledgeable and balanced scholars and by studying the rich heritage of Islamic scholarship that includes contributions from both men and women. This approach of questioning provides a more comprehensive understanding of how Islam views and values the roles and contributions of all individuals in society.
I’d like to assure you that there is nothing vile about your question. On the contrary, it echoes and highlights the beauty of the true message of Islam and the measured balance it provides in governing how we live in society.
Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best
Written by Alimah Saleha Bukhari Islam
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
[1]حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدَانُ، أَخْبَرَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ، أَخْبَرَنَا مُوسَى بْنُ عُقْبَةَ، عَنْ نَافِعٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ عُمَرَ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ “ كُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ، وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ، وَالأَمِيرُ رَاعٍ، وَالرَّجُلُ رَاعٍ عَلَى أَهْلِ بَيْتِهِ، وَالْمَرْأَةُ رَاعِيَةٌ عَلَى بَيْتِ زَوْجِهَا وَوَلَدِهِ، فَكُلُّكُمْ رَاعٍ وَكُلُّكُمْ مَسْئُولٌ عَنْ رَعِيَّتِهِ ”.
[3] وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ ٱلَّذِى عَلَيْهِنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌۭ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌ ٢٢٨
[4] وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ ۚ فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَيَجْعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًۭا كَثِيرًۭا ١٩
[5] حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بِشْرٍ، بَكْرُ بْنُ خَلَفٍ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَاصِمٍ، عَنْ جَعْفَرِ بْنِ يَحْيَى بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ، عَنْ عَمِّهِ، عُمَارَةَ بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ عَنْ عَطَاءٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ قَالَ “ خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي ” .
[6] وعن عبد الله بن عمرو بن العاص رضي الله عنهما قال: لم يكن رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم فاحشاً ولا متفحشاً. وكان يقول: “إن من خياركم أحسنكم أخلاقاً” ((متفق عليه)).
