Fatwa ID: 07466
Answered by Alimah Shireen Mangera-Badat
Question:
I am a revert who fell into haram with a sister. We dated for many years but did not commit zina in the literal sense and in that time I did not approach her wali for marriage. When I was ready for this step I told her to talk to her parents but she could not.
At the end of that year, she told me that her father had forced her to get married to someone. She said it was not consummated and she didn’t want to marry him. She obtained a khula, but within a few months, the man waited for her one night and kidnapped and raped her. Due to this she became pregnant and had to leave for a women’s shelter. I told her to get an abortion and even threatened to kick her so she would give it up, she decided she couldn’t do it and gave birth.
During this time we have traded insults from my end insulting her child and her and she has responded by insulting me and my mother. During this time I felt bad and remorse for her so I have been helping her financially. I believe what she says at face value but I find her to be ungrateful and rude. It’s been 4 years and she says she is living in a bad state and has constantly told me she chose her child over me. As I have softened, I don’t know if I’d be guilty.
I have offered to marry her with conditions such as niqab and if she would ever disrespect me I would divorce her. I also said If I am raising her 4 year year old son I would be able to discipline him. She has said no. I am overwhelmed by guilt. In this time a potential proposal has come from a practicing sister. The guilt is overwhelming me in considering another sister for marriage. Please advise me.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
This is a complex situation involving emotions, past mistakes, and decisions that will affect multiple lives. Let’s break this down step by step using Islamic guidance:
- Past Haram Relationship:
You mentioned that your relationship with this sister involved haram interactions (i.e., dating without marriage). While you have not committed zina in the literal sense, any form of relationship outside the bounds of marriage is considered sinful in Islam. However, Islam places great emphasis on Tawbah (repentance). Allah says:
“Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’” (Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)
You must make sincere Tawbah for the past haram relationship. This requires:
- Regret for the sin.
- Immediate cessation of the sin.
- A firm intention never to return to it.
Insha’Allah, if your repentance is sincere, Allah will forgive you.
You seem to be dealing with significant guilt regarding your past behaviour, including the relationship, the advice you gave her to abort, and the insults you exchanged. Guilt can be a positive motivator for change, but in Islam, we are taught to rely on Allah’s mercy and forgiveness. Excessive guilt can prevent you from moving forward in a healthy manner.
In this case, along with seeking forgiveness from Allah, you should try to:
- Apologize to her for the harm caused. Even though she responded by insulting you, it is essential that you acknowledge your role and seek forgiveness.
- Reflect on your own actions, not just her perceived ingratitude. There is no harm in helping her financially if your intention is to assist a person in need, but you cannot control how she feels or behaves.
You offered to marry this sister with conditions, but she declined. Based on Islamic principles, marriage should be based on mutual respect, affection, and a commitment to living according to Islamic principles. Setting conditions such as forcing her to wear a niqab or threatening divorce if she disrespects you might indicate a lack of trust and balance in the relationship.
Moreover, Islam encourages compassion and fairness when dealing with others, particularly when children are involved. If you are to marry her and raise her child, it is essential to approach the child with kindness and fairness, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
‘ He who is not merciful to others, will not be treated mercifully’ ( Sahih Bukhari- 6013)
If she has refused your proposal, you must respect her decision and avoid coercion. Marriage in Islam is built on mutual consent and understanding, not conditions of control.
2. Considering a New Proposal:
It seems you are torn between guilt over your past relationship and the potential to move forward with another sister. It’s important to understand that in Islam, marriage is a sacred bond that requires mutual love, respect, and a commitment to helping one another grow in faith. You need to assess whether guilt is clouding your decision-making, or if you are truly ready to marry either of the sisters involved.
Key Points to Consider:
Moving Forward with a New Proposal:
If you are considering marriage with another sister, it is essential to do so with a clear mind and a sincere intention. Marrying someone new should not be out of a sense of guilt or running away from the previous situation but rather based on genuine compatibility, faith, and readiness to fulfil the rights of marriage. If the new sister is a practising Muslimah and you find that you are emotionally and mentally prepared to marry her, it would be permissible to pursue this option.
Allah says in the Qur’an regarding marriage:
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find tranquillity in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)
Marriage is supposed to bring tranquillity and mercy, so it is essential that the decision to marry is based on these qualities, rather than guilt or obligation.
If You Decide to Marry the First Sister:
Should you still wish to marry the first sister (who is the mother of the child), you need to recognize that marriage involves acceptance of her circumstances, including her child. You cannot place harsh or unfair conditions such as threatening divorce for disrespect or forcing her to adopt specific practices like the niqab. Respect, trust, and mutual understanding are the foundation of a successful Islamic marriage.
Raising her child, should you choose to marry her, must be done with love and care. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) set an example of kindness towards orphans and stepchildren. If you are to discipline the child, it should be in a way that reflects Islamic values of mercy and justice, not harshness or resentment.
If she has refused the proposal, it is crucial to respect her decision and not force the matter. Allah has made marriage a contract of mutual agreement, not one of coercion or emotional manipulation.
On that note, Islam encourages to look for four things in a spouse:
‘The prophet PBUH said’ a woman is married for four things, i.e. her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman otherwise you will be losers (Sahih Bukhari- 5090)
3. Managing Your Guilt:
Guilt, when excessive, can become a tool of Shaytan to make you despair of Allah’s mercy. You must remember that Allah is the Most Forgiving and Merciful, and once you have sincerely repented, there is no reason to continue to punish yourself. Islam encourages believers to move forward with hope and trust in Allah’s mercy, rather than to dwell excessively on their past.
In terms of your past mistakes, including your behaviour toward the sister and her child, the most important steps now are:
- Make sincere Tawbah (repentance) for any wrongdoings, especially for insults and harm.
- Seek forgiveness from the sister if you have wronged her, even if she has also wronged you. This will help ease your burden of guilt and give you peace of mind.
- Perform good deeds as they wipe away sins. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“Fear Allah wherever you are and follow up a bad deed with a good one and it will erase it, and behave well towards people.” (Sunan At-Tirmidhi)
Consider helping others, engaging in charity, and making consistent Dua (supplication) for Allah’s forgiveness and guidance.
Therefore you should try and remember:-
- Repentance is key in Islam. Continue to seek Allah’s forgiveness, for He is the Most Merciful. Your past relationship was haram, but sincere repentance wipes away past sins, as long as you commit to not repeating them.
- Marriage should be built on mutual respect, trust, and care. If you choose to marry the first sister, do so with the right intentions, without imposing conditions that are unfair or based on control. However, if she has declined, respect her decision and consider moving forward.
- If you are considering a new proposal from another sister, ensure your intentions are clear, and that your decision is not clouded by guilt or obligation from your past. A healthy marriage is one that is entered into for the right reasons.
- Guilt should not prevent you from moving forward. Instead, use your experiences to guide you toward better actions and decisions, while trusting in Allah’s mercy and forgiveness.
May Allah guide you and ease your heart. Remember, Islam always offers a path forward through repentance, good deeds, and sincere intentions. Whatever decision you make, ensure it is rooted in Islamic principles, fairness, and a desire to grow closer to Allah.
Only Allah knows best.
Written by Alimah Shireen Mangera-Badat
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
