Fatwa ID: 07415
Answered by: Alimah Saniyah bint Asrar
Question:
I wanted to get guidance regarding a matter that I have been facing for quite some time now regarding my relations with my relatives.
I gave birth to my daughter 8 months ago, and after a few weeks she was born, family members visited me and my baby as expected.
However, I had restrictions regarding the caring and handling of my daughter, for example not kissing her on the face especially when sick and not playing or shaking her too harshly as she is very small but because they didn’t respect boundaries, I had to spend days in emergency with my daughter hooked to oxygen and me developing depression almost and getting less to no sleep while I was at the hospital. I spoke up and raised the issue to them (respectfully) as I was very stressed seeing my newborn daughter in that condition but they didn’t like it and thought I was disrespecting them so they completely cut ties with me and my parents.
I am feeling ashamed that because of my boundaries as a parent, my mother has to suffer the consequences and cannot have the same relationship she had with her brothers even though she had nothing to do with this whole situation. They didn’t visit us on both Eids this year even though we invited them and called multiple times but they didn’t invite us also but everyone else in the family.
When I raised the issue to them, as I said before I was very stressed sitting at the hospital seeing my daughter in a poorly condition struggling to breathe, I rang my relatives (out of stress) and questioned them why was it so hard to respect my wishes knowing they were sick but still kissing my daughter well knowing it’s harmful for the baby that little as they also raised 4 children on their own.
They started shouting at me telling me “you shouldn’t have invited us, you should have put a sign not to enter” and the thing that hurt me the most was when they said “don’t you dare enter my house and we won’t even think of entering your house” I was upset that as mothers they should have understood me and consoled me rather than attacking me and speaking to me so in that manner.
I was already going through postpartum depression as a first time mom struggling with birth trauma and this on top really made me hit rock bottom.
As mentioned, it’s been 8 months and in all those 8 months they were backbiting, talking bad about my mother, myself and my baby every time they met each other.
This Eid we were finally invited but they didn’t even look my way or talk to me or my mother.
I have forgiven them long ago but them behaving this way with my mother especially makes me feel so guilty that she is suffering because of my doings.
I am angry but I have forgiven them for the sake of Allah but they aren’t willing to forgive me as a child and as someone new to motherhood by at least trying to be understanding.
I am really desperate for guidance. Please help me. What should I do in this situation and how can I help bring peace between my mother and them.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
The situation you’re in is indeed a challenging one. Setting boundaries for the safety of your baby is entirely justified, and asking others to respect those boundaries, when done with kindness and respect, should not be seen as a problem. If they interpret it as an insult or disrespect, that is beyond your control.
It’s admirable that you have chosen to forgive them, as maintaining family ties is a significant value in Islam. I understand that they are still not communicating properly with you or your mother. You mentioned that they didn’t reach out to you during previous Eids, but now they have—that’s a positive step forward. Keep making dua for Allah to soften their hearts and help them understand your perspective. In Shaa Allah, their attitudes will change.
You might consider reaching out to your relatives once more, expressing your understanding of their feelings, and gently explaining the difficult position you were in as a new mother dealing with postpartum depression and the stress of your child’s health issues. Sometimes, a heartfelt conversation, possibly facilitated by a neutral third party like a respected elder, can help mend the relationship.
Remember, maintaining family ties is highly emphasised in Islam. Continue to make dua for them, invite them to family events, and keep the door open for reconciliation. At the same time, be kind to yourself and seek support for your mental and emotional well-being. It’s natural to feel guilt, but recognise that your primary responsibility was to protect your child, and you cannot control how others react. Trust in Allah’s plan, continue to show kindness and patience, and insha’Allah, with time, hearts will soften, and peace will be restored in your family.
شرح بلوغ المرام – اللهيميد ٤/٤٩٨
ماذا تعني صلة الرحم؟
صلة الرحم تعني الإحسان إلى الأقربين وإيصال ما أمكن من الخير إليهم ودفع ما أمكن من الشر عنهم.
اذكر فضائل صلة الرحم؟
الحديث دليل على فضل صلة الرحم، وأنها من أسباب دخول الجنة، ولصلة الرحم فضائل:
أولًا: سبب في زيادة العمر.
كما في حديث الباب (من أحب أن يبسط له في رزقه، وينسأ له في أثره، فليصل رحمه).
وقال ﷺ (صلة الرحم، وحسن الخلق يعمران الديار ويزيدان في الأعمار) رواه أحمد.
وعند الترمذي قال ﷺ (تعلَّموا من أنسابِكم ما تصِلُون به أرحامَكم؛ فإن صِلَة الرَّحِم محبَّةٌ في الأهل، مثْرَاةٌ في المال، منسَأةٌ في الأثَر).
وأخرج الطيالسي عن عمرو بن سهل ﵁ أن النبي ﷺ قال (صلة القرابة مثراة في المال، محبة في الأهل، منسأة في الأجل).
ثانيًا: من وصلها وصله الله.
كما في الحديث: (من وصلني وصله الله).
٦٩٠٩- صلة الرحم تزيد في العمر، وصدقة السر تطفئ غضب الرب. «القضاعي عن ابن مسعود».
٦٩١٠- صلة الرحم، وحسن الخلق، وحسن الجوار يعمرن الديار ويزدن في الأعمار. «حم هب عن عائشة».
٦٩١١- اتقوا الله وصلوا الأرحام، فإنه أبقى لكم في الدنيا، وخير لكم في الآخرة. «عبد بن حميد وابن جرير في تفسيرهما عن قتادة» مرسلا.
٦٩١٢- اتقوا الله وصلوا الأرحام. «ابن عساكر عن ابن مسعود».
٦٩١٣- أرحامكم أرحامكم. «حب عن أنس».
٦٩١٤- بلوا أرحامكم ولو بالسلام. «البزار عن ابن عباس» «طب عن أبي الطفيل» «هب عن أنس وسويد بن عمرو».
Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best.
Written by Alimah Saniyah bint Asrar
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
