Fatwa ID: 07393
Answered by: Alimah Saleha Bukhari Islam
Question:
I need advice and would appreciate your duas on the following situation I’m about to explain.
The issue that’s been bothering me is regarding my crazy paternal grandmother.
She is the most manipulative and evil person I have ever seen and known. She has been accusing my mum of all sorts of baseless things and has been against my mum before I was even born.
It is important to note that my dad reverted to Islam over 25 years ago and she has an issue with this till this day and blames my mother for it but my dad reverted on his own accord.
She once fabricated that my dad tried to stab her. This is categorically false, my father does nothing but dedicate his life to taking care of her.
She accuses my mum of plotting to kill her.
She said my mum is a prostitute who uses witchcraft on her son (my dad). This is categorically untrue and she is accusing my mother of being unchaste without evidence.
My grandmother is the cause of every single financial issue my family is in, my grandfather who died was a very wealthy man owning restaurants, properties and factories.
When my grandfather passed all this wealth went to her and my grandad thought she would share it with her family but she never did and gave it all to the mountain of fire church.
She lied to my father and mortgaged my one dad’s family home to buy a plot of land which no one bought and it became an absolute failure. She begged my father to come back to the U.K. and help her which left him abandoning his business and working a mundane job which barely pays to have food. My absolute angel of a mum who she hates so much paid 150,000 towards clearing the mortgage and my father as well as financially contributing took on an Islamic loan so the house won’t be repossessed.
Now my dad pays all his salary to the mortgage every month to which she never acknowledges and says my dad is a useless son and never does Anything to help her. She claims that my mother is trying to steal her house and wealth even though my mother has never even seen a penny from my grandmother. This crazy woman furthermore says that my Muslim mother is trying to destroy her when my mum does Salah and Islam is witchcraft.
She used to physically hit my mother before I was born. Because of her we are financially stuck and can’t escape, if we sell the house most of the money will go to her and she would’ve won and my parents don’t want to see years of their psychological abuse and torture gone to nothing.
I stopped my interactions with her because of the way she treats my mother and If I respectfully greet her she will just scream and shout and look for a fight. Today she was on the phone saying my mother told me not to greet and I confronted her and told her that’s not the case. The case is I didn’t greet her because of her actions. She started screaming and blaming my mother when it was I who confronted and throwing herself on the floor and saying my mother is trying to kill her. We have done nothing but be kind to her and take care of her.
You must understand there is no way out and escaping her because her name is also on the house we have to live with her because she lied to my father and we cannot afford to move. She’s destroyed any document that we have to prove her fraudulent ways.
If we ignore her she shouts and says we are neglecting her and talks to many people about it, if we try and be respectful and make conversation and take care of her she says we are plotting against her. There is no win.
She is very narcissistic and In front people will start throwing herself around and crying. She’s already told social workers my parents are abusing her which is categorically not true, she has told everyone she knows and she’s very manipulative and can put on a show.
She’s the reason I’ve never bring friends home and I’m 22 years old.
No matter how much we try have a civilised conversation she will always spin whatever we said and make it an issue and start screaming.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
This life is a test. Allah ﷻ says: {We made some of you a means to test each by the other, to see whether you remain patient. Your Lord is All-Seeing} 1
Allah ﷻ created us and this world for us to be tested in and He clarified in many places in the Quran that we will be tested. In the verse above, He informs us that we will be tested by each other. Sometimes by our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters and as in your case, by your paternal grandmother. Good conduct with family members especially when it’s not reciprocated can be extremely difficult but know that every moment of patience will be rewarded by Allah ﷻ.
Family ties must be maintained under all circumstances and severing ties must be avoided at all costs. Maintaining family ties is not that you maintain ties with them if they maintain ties with you, because that is easy. Rather, it is that you maintain family ties with them even if they sever ties with you. It is that upon receiving unkind treatment, you return good treatment. In other words, when you continue preserving a relationship with relatives who break ties with you.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: “The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him.” 2
Maintaining relationships with parents takes utmost priority over that with mahram (non-marriageable kin of your family) and other relatives. Fulfilling relations with your paternal grandmother is a level of priority for your father, no matter how much of a handful she is. Thus, if you and your family support your father then you will be greatly rewarded for maintaining ties. In situations where the relationship is emotionally draining and toxic then it becomes necessary to create some healthy distance. Interactions can be limited but general etiquette’s must be extended, including that of greeting her with salam even if nothing more than that from you. 3
Ali reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “There is no obedience to anyone if it is disobedience to Allah. Verily, obedience is only in good conduct.”
After understanding the above one should try and continue to display respect and love and endure with patience the difficulties that come with it. For now , let it be and time shall solve it. Meanwhile your kindness and respect should go on even though they do not do the same.
A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me badly; I try to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me.” He said: “If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. You will continue to have support from Allah against them so long as you continue doing that.”
(Narrated by Muslim, no. 2558)
1 Surah 25 Al-Furqan, Ayat 20
ؕ وَجَعَلۡنَا بَعۡضَكُمۡ لِبَعۡضٍ فِتۡنَةً ؕ اَتَصۡبِرُوۡنَۚ وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ بَصِيۡرًا ﴿25:20﴾
2ثُمَّ اعْلَمْ أَنَّهُ لَيْسَ الْمُرَادُ بِصِلَةِ الرَّحِمِ أَنْ تَصِلَهُمْ إذَا وَصَلُوك لِأَنَّ هَذَا مُكَافَأَةٌ بَلْ أَنْ تَصِلَهُمْ وَإِنْ قَطَعُوك فَقَدْ رَوَى الْبُخَارِيُّ وَغَيْرُهُ «لَيْسَ الْوَاصِلُ بِالْمُكَافِئِ وَلَكِنَّ الْوَاصِلَ الَّذِي إذَا قُطِعَتْ رَحِمُهُ وَصَلَهَا» ” (قَوْلُهُ وَيَزُورُهُمْ غِبًّا) الْغِبُّ بِالْكَسْرِ عَاقِبَةُ الشَّيْءِ وَفِي الزِّيَارَةِ أَنْ تَكُونَ فِي كُلِّ أُسْبُوعٍ، وَمِنْ الْحُمَّى مَا تَأْخُذُهُ يَوْمًا وَتَدَعُ يَوْمًا قَامُوسٌ لَكِنْ فِي شَرْحِ الشِّرْعَةِ هُوَ أَنْ تَزُورَ يَوْمًا وَتَدَعَ يَوْمًا وَلَمَّا كَانَ فِيهِ نَوْعُ عُسْرٍ عَدَلَ إلَى مَا هُوَ أَسْهَلُ مِنْ الْغِبِّ فَقَالَ بَلْ يَزُورُ أَقْرِبَاءَهُ فِي كُلِّ جُمُعَةٍ أَوْ شَهْرٍ عَلَى مَا وَرَدَ فِي بَعْضِ الرِّوَايَاتِ اهـ (قَوْلُهُ تَزِيدُ فِي الْعُمُرِ) وَكَذَا فِي الرِّزْقِ فَقَدْ أَخْرَجَ الشَّيْخَانِ «مَنْ أَحَبَّ أَنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ فِي رِزْقِهِ وَيُنَسَّأَ» بِضَمِّ أَوَّلِهِ وَتَشْدِيدِ ثَالِثِهِ الْمُهْمَلِ وَبِالْهَمْزِ أَيْ يُؤَخَّرَ لَهُ فِي أَثَرِهِ أَيْ أَجَلِهِ «فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ» .
ص411 – كتاب حاشية ابن عابدين رد المحتار ط الحلبي – فصل في البيع – المكتبة الشاملة
3 (قَوْلُهُ وَصِلَةُ الرَّحِمِ وَاجِبَةٌ) نَقَلَ الْقُرْطُبِيُّ فِي تَفْسِيرِهِ اتِّفَاقَ الْأُمَّةِ عَلَى وُجُوبِ صِلَتِهَا وَحُرْمَةِ قَطْعِهَا لِلْأَدِلَّةِ الْقَطْعِيَّةِ مِنْ الْكِتَابِ وَالسُّنَّةِ عَلَى ذَلِكَ قَالَ فِي تَبْيِينِ الْمَحَارِمِ: وَاخْتَلَفُوا فِي الرَّحِمِ الَّتِي يَجِبُ صِلَتُهَا قَالَ قَوْمٌ: هِيَ قَرَابَةُ كُلِّ ذِي رَحِمٍ مَحْرَمٍ وَقَالَ آخَرُونَ. كُلُّ قَرِيبٍ مَحْرَمًا كَانَ أَوْ غَيْرَهُ اهـ وَالثَّانِي ظَاهِرُ إطْلَاقِ الْمَتْنِ قَالَ النَّوَوِيُّ فِي شَرْحِ مُسْلِمٍ: وَهُوَ الصَّوَابُ وَاسْتَدَلَّ عَلَيْهِ بِالْأَحَادِيثِ. نَعَمْ تَتَفَاوَتُ دَرَجَاتُهَا فَفِي الْوَالِدَيْنِ أَشَدُّ مِنْ الْمَحَارِمِ، وَفِيهِمْ أَشَدُّ مِنْ بَقِيَّةِ الْأَرْحَامِ وَفِي الْأَحَادِيثِ إشَارَةٌ إلَى ذَلِكَ كَمَا بَيَّنَهُ فِي تَبْيِينِ الْمَحَارِمِ (قَوْلُهُ وَلَوْ كَانَتْ بِسَلَامٍ إلَخْ) قَالَ فِي تَبْيِينِ الْمَحَارِمِ: وَإِنْ كَانَ غَائِبًا يَصِلُهُمْ بِالْمَكْتُوبِ إلَيْهِمْ، فَإِنْ قَدَرَ عَلَى الْمَسِيرِ إلَيْهِمْ كَانَ أَفْضَلَ وَإِنْ كَانَ لَهُ وَالِدَانِ لَا يَكْفِي الْمَكْتُوبُ إنْ أَرَادَا مَجِيئَهُ وَكَذَا إنْ احْتَاجَا إلَى خِدْمَتِهِ، وَالْأَخُ الْكَبِيرُ كَالْأَبِ بَعْدَهُ وَكَذَا الْجَدُّ وَإِنْ عَلَا وَالْأُخْتُ الْكَبِيرَةُ وَالْخَالَةُ كَالْأُمِّ فِي الصِّلَةِ، وَقِيلَ الْعَمُّ مِثْلُ الْأَبِ وَمَا عَدَلَ هَؤُلَاءِ تَكْفِي صِلَتُهُمْ بِالْمَكْتُوبِ أَوْ الْهَدِيَّةِ اهـ. وَتَمَامُهُ فِيهِ.
ص411 – كتاب حاشية ابن عابدين رد المحتار ط الحلبي – فصل في البيع – المكتبة الشاملة
Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best.
Written by Alimah Saleha Bukhari Islam
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
