How to deal with the unreasonable behavior of the parents?

Fatwa ID: 03067

Answered by:  Maulana Selim Saldiran​

Question:

Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah

In Islam, we are taught about the sacred status of our parents. That even if a parent is a non-Muslim, we still need to be kind, respectful, look in on them and help them when they need us in the best way.

So, increasingly in the times, we are in, there are instances where people struggle with the concept of keeping family ties with a parent who is toxic. This toxicity specifically manifests in ways such as:

– Narcissism,

– Never really taking responsibility for being emotionally neglectful, 

– Being audacious in their sinning,

– Personally always distant and unavailable when their child(ren) really needed them,

– Repeated cycles of being violent etc

Now, one may have tried many times to make amends (such as expressing our feelings, sitting down with them to address their concerns, providing naseeha), to change the relationship towards something better but they would never take responsibility or acknowledge that their actions caused pain, and try to better themselves accordingly. If one were to keep some distance with their parent(s), they receive guilt-inducing messages around the detriments of breaking the ties of kinship and that they are bad Muslims.

Considering the above, how would you advise we reconcile this situation so that we don't receive the displeasure of Allah (SWT)?

 

Answer:

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh

Know that this life is a test. Allah says: {Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tested?}.[1] Sometimes we are tested by our children, our brothers and as in your case, by your parents. We should always do good to our parents, even if we do it reluctantly. Know that every moment of patience will be rewarded by Allah.

However, if the relationship is too emotionally straining for you, you could reduce your contact with them. But do not sever ties with them completely.

The one who maintains family ties is not the one who does it while he gets recompensed by his relatives. What is meant by maintaining the ties with relatives is to maintain it with those relatives who had broken the ties of kinship?[2]

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."[3]

May Allah reward you for your patience.

 

Only Allah knows best

Written by Maulana Selim Saldiran

Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah

Darul Ifta Birmingham

 


[1]Qur’an, chapter 29, verse 2.

أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوا أَن يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

 

[2]IbnAbidīn, Radd al-MuḥtārʿalāDurr al-Mukhtār. Beirut, Dār al-Fikr, 1992, v. 6, p. 411.

ثُمَّ اعْلَمْ أَنَّهُ لَيْسَ الْمُرَادُ بِصِلَةِ الرَّحِمِ أَنْ تَصِلَهُمْ إذَا وَصَلُوك لِأَنَّ هَذَا مُكَافَأَةٌ بَلْ أَنْ تَصِلَهُمْ وَإِنْ قَطَعُوك

 

[3] Al-Bukhārī. Al-Jām’i al-Sahīh. Damascus, DārTūq al-Najāh, 1422 h., n. 5991.

عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: لَيْسَ الوَاصِلُ بِالْمُكَافِئِ، وَلَكِنِ الوَاصِلُ الَّذِي إِذَا قُطِعَتْ رَحِمُهُ وَصَلَهَا

 

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