I have a real big issue and I dont know what to do. The thing is I got married to a girl against my parents wishes (a secret marriage, but I have told them for the last 2,3 years that we wanted to get married). We got married like this to stop us from any haraam and thought that if we got married my parents would come to terms with it and accept it.
The situation now is that I am living at my parents house and my wife is living at hers. Her family accept the marriage and always have. My family do not accept the marraige because the girl is from a lower caste and they wanted me to marry in the family (my mums niece).
The main problem is that my parents want me to divorce and remarry someone who is from the same raja caste. They are forcing me to divorce.
Their reasons are:-
1)That we Raja are the highest caste and we do not marry out
2)We have to uphold the raja honour
3)We have to continue the raja family tree,
4)That I need to marry someone who has a big family, preferably rich and a doctor, but the main thing is they have to be a raja.
We have been married for 8 months and my parents have pushed for divorce from day one. They have made me go to a solictor and made me sign papers to get divorce proceedings started.
I do not wanted to get married again and I think the girl probably want get married again after shes been divorced.
The thing is which way do I turn,
1)Either i divorce
2)Leave home and move out with my wife (but keep contact with family if they accept)
3)Or leave home on my own (I cannot cope with the stress of being forced to divorce/remarry)
There is a forth option that my parents accept it but my parents said they will never accept my marriage, and said they wont leave me alone until I divorce.
If we do divorce its going to be hard for me and my wife to split up because we love each other alot, but if we do I do not want to remarry again. But my parents wont hear any of that and they will force me to marry again.
My parents do not listen to me,and or anyone else they are too proud/stubborn of there caste and afraid of what people may think or say.
In the name of Allah, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful.
There are a few issues from an islamic prespective which needs to be discussed first before we look at your situation.
1. Marriage in secret.
2. Whether marriage within ones caste is permissible or not?
3. Obeying your parents in divorcing your wife.
1. The ruling according to the Shariah is that as long as the marriage is conducted in the presence of two witnesses, (two men or a man and two women), it will be done and valid. (Raddul Muhtar p.87 v.4)
Similarly, if the marriage was conducted without the consent of one’s parents, it will still be considered valid in the Hanafi School of Thought. (Raddul Muhtar p.157 v.4)
However, to conduct the marriage in secret is against the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet Of Allah Sallallahu Alahi Wasalam.
Saaidah Aaisha Radiallahu Anha narrates the Prophet of Allah Sallallahu Alahi wasalam has said, “Publicize the marriage. Do it in a mosque and play the duff.” (Mishkaatul Masaabeeh p.272)
To publicize a marriage means that it should be performed in public among relatives and friends. And a noble way of declaring the marriage is to do it in the mosque after the Jumma prayer where everyone can witness it. (Mazaahirul Haqq p.49 v.4)
2. If marrying within one’s caste is based on pride and arrogance of their tribe, then that will not be permissible.
Allah (SWA) in the Holy Quran has said:
“O Mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other. Verily, the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) most rightness of you” (Surah Hujuraat v.13)
However, if one marries to someone within their caste because of the suitability and compatibility then it will be permissible, as suitability and kafaah is a very important ingredient for an ever lasting and happy marriage. (Raddul Muhtar p.204 v.4)
3.The jurists have said that it is mustuhub (recommended) for one to obey his parents in their order to divorce the wife where there is genuine concerns that the son or parents might be harmed or the wife is extremely disrespectful or immoral to the husband or to his parents. They (parents) should not order their son to divorce his wife out of selfishness or trivial matters.
Saaiduna Abdullah Ibn Umar Radiallahu Anhu narrates that “I was married with a woman whom I loved by my father disliked her and ordered me to divorce her, but I refused. Then I mentioned this to the Messenger of Allah Sallallahu Alahi Wasalm who said: O’ Abdullah Ibn Umar! Divorce your wife.”
(Sunan Tirmizi p.226 v.1)
The aforementioned ruling to obey one’s parents applies where it does not cause harm to oneself like unable to bear the consequences of divorce, or one fears falling into adultery or fornication etc… in such a situation one should not divorce his wife in obedience to ones parents.
Mullah Ali Qari (RA) has written:
“It is not necessary for one to divorce one’s wife when ordered by ones parents even if they (parents) are extremely harmed in case of not divorcing her. The reason being is that the son himself may be harmed, hence he will not be forced to bear harm because of them being harmed…”
(Mirqaat P132 V.1)
Hazarat Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (RA) has also given a similar fatwa. (See Imdadul Fatwa p.484 v.4)
Therefore, the conclusion is that if the wife is causing problems to the husband or family then it is only mustuhub for the son to divorce his wife on the command of the parents. If the parents order him to divorce his wife without any reasons or the husband fears that divorcing his wife will harm him, it will not be necessary to divorce her.
With regards to your situation it will be best that you move out from your parents house and live with your wife but continue keeping in contact with them and help them.
Only Allah Knows Best
Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham