Fatwa ID: 08051

Answered by: Alimah Maryam Badshah

Question:
Assalamu Alaikum.

My wife due to past abuse sadly finds it difficult to reciprocate intimate advances, she does so on some occasions and not on most. It his her opinion that due to her experiences it is not obligatory on her to do so, is this the correct view. Or does my right as a husband remain. Please note this issue has caused a lot of anguish on both sides

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Answer:
Assalaamu ‘alaykum,

The right of intimacy is a shared right of both the husband and wife. The purpose of marriage is for both spouses to benefit through protecting oneself from their desire and obtaining reward. This is in order to protect oneself from committing sin.

With that said, it is forbidden for marriage to cause injustice or overwhelming fear. If your wife is suffering from fear or feelings of injustice through these advances, it would be impermissible for you to continue. However, if this is not the case and she is also not turning your advances down for other legitimate reasons like sickness, weariness or the intimacy causing her harm, then it would be wrong of her to bar you from it. However, it is important to keep in mind that it would not permit a husband to forcibly obtain intimacy regardless of the situation, as this is also forbidden.

Since there are occasions where your wife does reciprocate, perhaps you can gently discuss with her what she thinks the reasons might be, as well as what she feels causes her to feel unable to continue. It should always be kept in mind that marriage is something mutual where both spouses should benefit and be at ease {and that it is desirable in a marriage that you treat her kindly}.

In the meantime, reduce your attempts and find other ways you can deepen your bond and thus improve your intimacy. Speak with your wife and get to know her as a person. Ask her how her day was and what her worries are. Help her to feel valued as an individual.

In the end, it is important that we understand that the past has a lasting effect on all of us, whether good or bad. It is not something that can be deleted or controlled and requires a lot of time and a careful, considerate approach. Even with care, dealing with trauma is not always a forward trajectory, there can be relapses that cause the victim to return to their starting line.

It might be a good idea for your wife to have some therapy if her past abuse is having an adverse effect on your marriage. I would also advise you to talk about this issue with your wife in a kind and gentle manner, and to seek a Muslim marriage counsellor or mediator to discuss what steps you both can take in reaching a solution that is amicable to you both.

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas (ra) that the Prophet (saw) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.”

Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best.
Written by Alimah Maryam Badshah
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham

References:
وَأَمَّا أَحْكَامُهُ) فَحِلُّ اسْتِمْتَاعِ كُلِّ مِنْهُمَا بِالْآخَرِ عَلَى الْوَجْهِ الْمَأْذُونِ فِيهِ شَرْعًا، كَذَا فِي فَتْحِ الْقَدِيرِ وَمِلْكُ الْحَبْسِ وَهُوَ صَيْرُورَتُهَا مَمْنُوعَةً عَنْ الْخُرُوجِ وَالْبُرُوزِ وَوُجُوبُ الْمَهْرِ وَالنَّفَقَةِ وَالْكِسْوَةِ عَلَيْهِ وَحُرْمَةُ الْمُصَاهَرَةِ وَالْإِرْثُ مِنْ الْجَانِبَيْنِ، وَوُجُوبُ الْعَدْلِ بَيْنَ النِّسَاءِ وَحُقُوقِهِنَّ وَوُجُوبُ إطَاعَتِهِ عَلَيْهَا إذَا دَعَاهَا إلَى الْفِرَاشِ وَوِلَايَةُ تَأْدِيبِهَا إذَا لَمْ تُطِعْهُ بِأَنْ نَشَزَتْ وَاسْتِحْبَابُ مُعَاشَرَتِهَا بِالْمَعْرُوفِ
Al-Fatāwa al-Hindiyyah (Vol.1, pg.270, Dār Al-Fiqr)

(أَمَّا تَفْسِيرُهُ) فَهُوَ عَقْدٌ يَرِدُ عَلَى مِلْكِ الْمُتْعَةِ قَصْدًا، كَذَا فِي الْكَنْزِ (وَأَمَّا صِفَتُهُ) فَهُوَ أَنَّهُ فِي حَالَةِ الِاعْتِدَالِ سُنَّةٌ مُؤَكَّدَةٌ، وَحَالَةِ التَّوَقَانِ وَاجِبٌ وَحَالَةِ خَوْفِ الْجَوْرِ مَكْرُوهٌ، كَذَا فِي الِاخْتِيَارِ شَرْحِ الْمُخْتَارِ
Al-Fatāwa al-Hindiyyah (Vol.1, pg.267, Dār Al-Fiqr)

(قَوْلُهُ: لِلْمُوَاظَبَةِ عَلَيْهِ وَالْإِنْكَارِ إلَخْ) فَإِنَّ الْمُوَاظَبَةَ الْمُقْتَرِنَةَ بِالْإِنْكَارِ عَلَى التَّرْكِ دَلِيلُ الْوُجُوبِ؛ وَأَجَابَ الرَّحْمَتِيُّ بِأَنَّ الْحَدِيثَ لَيْسَ فِيهِ الْإِنْكَارُ عَلَى التَّارِكِ بَلْ عَلَى الرَّاغِبِ عَنْهُ وَلَا شَكَّ أَنَّ الرَّاغِبَ عَنْ السُّنَّةِ مَحَلُّ الْإِنْكَارِ (قَوْلُهُ: وَمَكْرُوهًا) أَيْ تَحْرِيمًا بَحْرٌ (قَوْلُهُ: فَإِنْ تَيَقَّنَهُ) أَيْ تَيَقَّنَ الْجَوْرَ حَرُمَ؛ لِأَنَّ النِّكَاحَ إنَّمَا شُرِعَ لِمَصْلَحَةِ تَحْصِينِ النَّفْسِ، وَتَحْصِيلِ الثَّوَابِ، وَبِالْجَوْرِ يَأْثَمُ وَيَرْتَكِبُ الْمُحَرَّمَاتِ فَتَنْعَدِمُ الْمَصَالِحُ لِرُجْحَانِ هَذِهِ الْمَفَاسِدِ بَحْرٌ وَتَرَكَ الشَّارِحُ قِسْمًا سَادِسًا ذَكَرَهُ فِي الْبَحْرِ عَنْ الْمُجْتَبَى وَهُوَ الْإِبَاحَةُ إنْ خَافَ الْعَجْزَ عَنْ الْإِيفَاءِ بِمُوجَبِهِ. اهـ. أَيْ خَوْفًا غَيْرَ رَاجِحٍ، وَإِلَّا كَانَ مَكْرُوهًا تَحْرِيمًا؛ لِأَنَّ عَدَمَ الْجَوْرِ مِنْ مَوَاجِبِهِ وَالظَّاهِرُ أَنَّهُ إذَا لَمْ يَقْصِدْ إقَامَةَ السُّنَّةِ بَلْ قَصَدَ مُجَرَّدَ التَّوَصُّلِ إلَى قَضَاءِ الشَّهْوَةِ وَلَمْ يَخَفْ شَيْئًا لَمْ يُثَبْ عَلَيْهِ إذْ لَا ثَوَابَ إلَّا بِالنِّيَّةِ فَيَكُونُ مُبَاحًا أَيْضًا كَالْوَطْءِ لِقَضَاءِ الشَّهْوَةِ لَكِنْ «لَمَّا قِيلَ لَهُ – صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ – إنَّ أَحَدَنَا يَقْضِي شَهْوَتَهُ فَكَيْفَ يُثَابُ فَقَالَ – صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ – مَا مَعْنَاهُ أَرَأَيْت لَوْ وَضَعَهَا فِي مُحَرَّمٍ أَمَا كَانَ يُعَاقَبُ» فَيُفِيدُ الثَّوَابَ مُطْلَقًا إلَّا أَنْ يُقَالَ الْمُرَادُ فِي الْحَدِيثِ قَضَاءُ الشَّهْوَةِ لِأَجْلِ تَحْصِينِ النَّفْسِ، وَقَدْ صَرَّحَ فِي الْأَشْبَاهِ بِأَنَّ النِّكَاحَ سُنَّةٌ مُؤَكَّدَةٌ، فَيَحْتَاجُ إلَى النِّيَّةِ وَأَشَارَ بِالْفَاءِ إلَى تَوَقُّفِ كَوْنِهِ سُنَّةً عَلَى النِّيَّةِ ثُمَّ قَالَ: وَأَمَّا الْمُبَاحَاتُ فَتَخْتَلِفُ صِفَتُهَا بِاعْتِبَارِ مَا قُصِدَتْ لِأَجْلِهِ فَإِذَا قَصَدَ بِهَا التَّقَوِّي عَلَى الطَّاعَاتِ أَوْ التَّوَصُّلَ إلَيْهَا كَانَتْ عِبَادَةً كَالْأَكْلِ وَالنَّوْمِ وَاكْتِسَابِ الْمَالِ وَالْوَطْءِ. اهـ.
Raddul Muhtār (Vol.3, pg.7-8, Dār Al-Fiqr)

(قَوْلُهُ نَهْرٌ بَحْثًا) حَيْثُ قَالَ: وَمُقْتَضَى النَّظَرِ أَنَّهُ لَا يَجُوزُ لَهُ أَنْ يَزِيدَ عَلَى قَدْرِ طَاقَتِهَا، أَمَّا تَعْيِينُ الْمِقْدَارِ فَلَمْ أَقِفْ عَلَيْهِ لِأَئِمَّتِنَا…
…وَأَقُولُ يَنْبَغِي أَنْ يَسْأَلَهَا الْقَاضِي عَمَّا تُطِيقُ وَيَكُونُ الْقَوْلُ لَهُمَا بِيَمِينِهَا لِأَنَّهُ لَا يُعْلَمُ إلَّا مِنْهَا وَهَذَا طِبْقُ الْقَوَاعِدِ…
… أَنَّهُ لَوْ جَامَعَ زَوْجَتَهُ فَمَاتَتْ أَوْ صَارَتْ مُفْضَاةً، فَإِنْ كَانَتْ صَغِيرَةً أَوْ مُكْرَهَةً أَوْ لَا تُطِيقُ تَلْزَمُهُ الدِّيَةُ اتِّفَاقًا. فَعُلِمَ مِنْ هَذَا كُلِّهِ أَنَّهُ لَا يَحِلُّ لَهُ وَطْؤُهَا بِمَا يُؤَدِّي إلَى إضْرَارِهَا فَيَقْتَصِرُ عَلَى مَا تُطِيقُ مِنْهُ عَدَدًا بِنَظَرِ الْقَاضِي أَوْ إخْبَارِ النِّسَاءِ، وَإِنْ لَمْ يَعْلَمْ بِذَلِكَ فَبِقَوْلِهَا…
Raddul Muhtār (Vol.3, pg.203-4, Dār Al-Fiqr)

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو بِشْرٍ، بَكْرُ بْنُ خَلَفٍ وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَاصِمٍ، عَنْ جَعْفَرِ بْنِ يَحْيَى بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ، عَنْ عَمِّهِ، عُمَارَةَ بْنِ ثَوْبَانَ عَنْ عَطَاءٍ، عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ ـ صلى الله عليه وسلم ـ قَالَ ‏ “‏ خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لأَهْلِي ‏”‏ ‏.
Sunan Ibn Majah 1977 (Vol. 3, pg.185, Kitab Bhavan)

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