Fatwa ID: 08873
Written by Alimah Saleha Bukhari Islam
Question:
I am married and I am a convert for 8 months so far Alhamdoulilah. I’m learning a lot about Islam. One thing I just don’t understand about it is how do men easily find marry wife, after he’s been with one for years, and expect the wife not to feel anything about it. Maybe we’re supposed to be following our deen so well that it means nothing to us because we trust in Allah and we know this world was made to disappoint us.
One thing I have realized is that women are made for men only. Made to give birth, and raise the kid to fear Allah, then pass away hopeing to get to Jannah after “obeying” husband.
Someone in my family told me that recently a woman (a family member of husband) who moved across the country and stopped her studies to get married to her husband. They have 6 children. He wants another wife. I just don’t get how most men see this as normal. Maybe this life is just a test. You live with this woman and she has your children, and takes care of them and you, but still, you want to marry “fresh meat.”
I discussed this with him yesterday and got a emotional about it and he said I’m not mentally strong enough, need to go to the military to get beat up because I’m too soft. I agree with him. But beyond me getting emotional about this topic, I’m still confused about it and wanted to hear what he thought about it. Conversation got out of hand and well now we’re parting ways.
I know I can’t question Allah, but I’m just confused about it. How am I supposed to deal with it if it ever happens?
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
First and foremost, may Allah reward your honesty, sincerity, and the courage it takes to voice these deeply emotional concerns. What you’re feeling is completely valid, especially as someone new to Islam trying to make sense of teachings that intersect so personally with your heart and your life. You are not alone.
Yes, Islam permits polygyny. Under certain conditions a man is permitted to marry up to four wives, but this is a permission, not an encouragement or obligation. In fact, the Quran urges due diligence in this matter:
“But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice]. …”(Surah An-Nisa, 4:3) [1]
This command places a heavy spiritual and emotional responsibility on the man, especially in the way he handles such situations. Justice in this context isn’t just about money or time, it includes emotional fairness, compassion, presence, and honouring each wife’s dignity and heart.
The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ handled it with excellent gentleness and emotional intelligence. He was fully aware of the emotional impact it had on his wives and always responded with empathy. He never mocked or belittled their feelings, and he listened when they expressed hurt or jealousy. He reassured them with love and protected their hearts wherever possible. This is the prophetic standard. So, if a man today considers taking another wife, he must ask himself:
- Am I following the Prophet ﷺ in his compassion and care?
- Have I created a safe space for honest discussion, or am I silencing my wife in the name of religion?
- Am I doing this out of piety and justice or out of ego and impulse?
To tell a woman she’s “too emotional” or to mock her feelings with harsh words is not from the Sunnah. This kind of behaviour not only disregards the way Allah has created her but also dismisses emotions that are entirely natural and valid. It stands in direct contradiction to the mercy and compassion that defined the character of the Prophet ﷺ.
What you’re experiencing, the pain, confusion, even devastation is not a weakness. It’s your heart processing something incredibly heavy. When a woman has given everything to her marriage, her body, her youth, her trust, her years and is then told she must quietly accept another woman in her place, of course it hurts. Islam doesn’t ask you to erase that pain, rather there are guidelines on how to manage pain, emotions and expectations.
Women were not created merely “for men.” Islam never teaches that. While some may misuse religious texts to justify exploitation, this is a distortion, not the truth of our faith. You were created with your own soul, intellect, and purpose.
Yes, you may be a wife, a mother, and carry many responsibilities but these are roles you fulfil, not the measure of your worth. Your true value lies in your taqwa, your closeness to Allah, and the God-given freedom to grow and thrive within the framework of Islam. This growth is nourished through the sacredness of the marital relationship, where autonomy is upheld through mutual support. Your husband supporting your growth, just as you support his. Islam upholds the inherent worth of every soul, whether man or woman. Moreover, a woman gifted in any field has the full right to pursue that calling in ways that align with her values and capacity. Islam uplifts a woman’s contribution beyond the private sphere when offered with sincerity and balance.
A woman has every right to express how she feels, and to voice concern if polygyny is something she may find difficult. She is protected by the Shariah and honoured by her Creator, not despite her emotions, but alongside them. Sometimes, Islam permits what is difficult because life itself is a test. In certain contexts, such as widowhood, infertility, or broader social responsibility, polygyny can serve a purpose. But that does not mean every man is suited to manage its demands, nor that every woman must accept it without emotional struggle. The Quran and Sunnah guide us with both law and mercy, yet that balance is often lost in practice.
You’ve been Muslim for just eight months, yet you’ve shown sincerity, depth, and courage. Islam is a journey, not a finish line. Your confusion is not sinful, and your pain is not a failure. Allah sees your silent tears, your whispered prayers, and He never abandons His servants.
This life is a test, but it is also a place to seek safety, dignity, and healing. You are not expected to erase your pain to be a good Muslim. You are expected to carry it honestly and turn to Allah through it.
Allah’s command obligates the husband to treat his wife with respect, gentleness, and good conduct:
“And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike a thing, and Allah makes therein much good.” (Surah An-Nisa, 4:19) [2]
Ma’ruf (kindness) includes emotional support, fairness, and attentiveness, not just material provision. Marriage is a sacred relationship with Allah:
“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.”
(Surah Ar-Rum, 30:21) [3]
Marriage is not merely a legal contract, but a relationship built on love (mawaddah) and mercy (rahmah). An emotionally cold or harsh relationship violates this divine purpose.
And finally, the Quran calls us to be deliberate, thoughtful, and just, especially in matters that affect the rights, dignity, and emotional well-being of others. When a husband becomes emotionally absent or insensitive, he steps away from the prophetic path. Islam calls both spouses to uphold integrity, compassion, and mutual care.
References:
[1] فَإِنْ خِفْتُمْ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا۟ فَوَٰحِدَةً أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَـٰنُكُمْ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ أَدْنَىٰٓ أَلَّا تَعُولُوا۟ ٣
[2] وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـٔٗا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرٗا كَثِيرٗا
[3] وَمِنْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦٓ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَٰجًۭا لِّتَسْكُنُوٓا۟ إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةًۭ وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِى ذَٰلِكَ لَـَٔايَـٰتٍۢ لِّقَوْمٍۢ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ ٢١
Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best.
Written by Alimah Saleha Bukhari Islam
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
