Fatwa ID: 06865
Answered by: Maulana Ousman Haye
Question:
I am a sister who received a proposal from a man and it is the first time I have considered a proposal and said yes to it. I prayed istikhara for it and felt good about it as I know his sister and his family. His parents were happy too and so were my parents at the start. As time went on, there was a little delay as his dad was abroad and we wanted to finalise an engagement with everyone present.
During this time, my mum and his mum were in contact on the phone as my mum wanted to ask her about arrangements and plans, but this wasn’t spoken of as we all agreed to wait for the man’s dad to come back first. Because of the phone calls about arrangements and plans, the mothers clashed over it and since then my mum started feeling uneasy about it saying that he is not worthy of me as I hold a degree and he does not (he does work and is financially stable).
My dad usually asks around about anyone who comes to propose to see what people say about the family. But the family is very reserved and they don’t know many people like my parents do. Because my parents didn’t find anyone who knew much about them, my mum began to feel uncomfortable with the idea and started causing issues and bumps in the road. They have even gone to the extent of saying they are not even sure if he prays to try and validate their reasons for not wanting the marriage to continue.
His mum has tried to reconnect and try and sort out any issues but wasn’t successful as my mum is very stubborn about her decision. I understand that my dad is my wali but my dad is the type to always listen and give in to my mum’s decisions even when I tried to speak to him alone. They told me that they prayed to Istikhara and felt uneasy about it all. But this all stemmed from the phone call and differences. I have also prayed istikhara but felt nothing but peace and I had no issues or disagreements with him or his family.
It has now been a year since my parents shut the proposal down. I still feel a certain way towards the situation and feel very certain that I did want to go ahead with the proposal. I have been and did not stop praying tahajjud to marry this man. We both want each other and his parents are happy with it.
However, my parents are not because they think he is not worthy of me. Is parent’s disapproval a sign of istikhara? Should I give up trying if it seems impossible to waive my mum’s mind?
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Marriage is one of the greatest sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (May peace and blessings be upon him) and he has encouraged us in many ahadith to get married.
The Messenger of Allah (may peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Nikah (Marriage) is from my Sunnah and whoever does not act upon my sunnah is not from amongst me.” (Ibn majah:1846)
The Messenger of Allah (may peace and blessings be upon him) also said: “Oh assembly of youth! Whoever can get married should get married. Because it will lower the gaze and protect the private parts. And whoever is not able to get married should fast because it is a destroyer of desires.” (Muslim:1400)
From the above-mentioned narrations, we see the importance of marriage, however, we must also understand the importance of respecting and obeying our parents as well.
Many times in the Quran when Allah (swt) speaks about believing in the oneness of Allah and staying away from shirk, Allah (swt) follows it up with obeying the parents.
Allah (swt) says in the Quran, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And to be good with your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them (even) ‘uff,’ nor scold them. Rather, say kind words to them. (17:23)
The Messenger of Allah (May peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The pleasure of Allah lies in the pleasure of the parents and the displeasure of Allah lies in the displeasure of the parents.” (Tirmizi:1899)
We see from the above narration that to obtain the pleasure of Allah, we must first obtain the pleasure of our parents.
We understand that you feel this man is right for you. However, your parents are opposing it now. It is vitally important that whatever steps you take are such that they do not displease your parents.
My humble advice is that you sit down with your parents and talk to them about it and try to make them understand that you want to go ahead with this marriage and that you feel he is the right person for you. Also, try to explain the virtues of nikah.
Attempt in a nice manner to persuade your parents. If they still do not agree, then simply abandon your plans and go on with life.
It would be senseless to go into a marriage that does not have the blessings of the parents. It would be a lifelong misery. Continue praying to Allah (swt) and beseech his help in finding a pious spouse that both you and your parents will be pleased with.
Only Allah (عز و جل) knows best.
Written by Maulana Ousman Haye
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
النِّكَاحُ من سُنَّتِي فمَنْ لمْ يَعْمَلْ بِسُنَّتِي فَليسَ مِنِّي
(ابن ماجه:1846)
يَا مَعْشَرَ الشَّبَابِ، مَنِ اسْتَطَاعَ مِنْكُمُ الْبَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ، فَإِنَّهُ أَغَضُّ لِلْبَصَرِ، وَأَحْصَنُ لِلْفَرْجِ، وَمَنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصَّوْمِ؛ فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ
وِجَاءٌ
(مسلم:1400)
وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل
لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا
(الإسراء:23)
رِضى اللَّهِ في رِضى الوالِدَينِ ، وسَخَطُ اللَّهِ في سَخَطِ الوالدينِ
(الترمذي:1899)
