Who should a woman obey first, before marriage its the parents but after marriage do the parents have the same status or does the husband come first, if the parents disagree with the husbands way of thought whom should the woman listen to (both the parents or husband don’t go against the Islam) please help me.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Answer
The rights of the parents and husband have been clearly defined by Shariah. Allah states in the Quran: “Your Lord has decreed to you that: You shall worship none but Him, and you shall be kind to your parents; if one or both of them live to their old age in your lifetime, you shall not say to them any word of contempt nor repel them and you shall address them in kind words.” (Surah Isra: 23)
In another ayah Allah states: “We have enjoined man concerning his parents – his mother carries him in her womb while suffering weakness upon weakness and then weans him for two years – That’s why We commanded him: “Give thanks to Me and to your parents, and keep in mind that, to Me is your final goal.” (Surah Luqman: 14)
The above and similar aayahs of the Quran clearly instruct a believer to be obedient and dutiful to ones’ parents. Disrespecting ones’ parents and being disobedient is considered to be a major sin.
Abu Bakra narrates that Allah’s Apostle said, “Shall I inform you of the biggest of the great sins?” They said, “Yes, O Allah’s Apostle!” He said, “To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to ones’ parents.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari, 8.290)
It is clear from the above that obedience to ones’ parents is obligatory at all times, whether before marriage or after marriage.
On the other hand a wife has been instructed to be obedient to her husband. Allah states: “Men have charge of women because Allah has preferred the one above the other and because they spend their wealth on them. Right-acting women are obedient, safeguarding their husbands’ interests in his absence as Allah has guarded them.” (Surah Nisa: 34)
Umm Salama narrates that Allah’s Messenger (sallal lahu alayhi wa sallam) said: “Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter paradise.” (Tirmidhi: 958)
It is a duty of an individual to fulfill the rights others hold over them. Abdullah ibn Umar narrates that the Messenger of Allah (sallal lahu alayhi wa sallam) said: “…All of you are guardians and responsible for your wards and the things under your care. The Imam (i.e. ruler) is the guardian of his subjects and is responsible for them and a man is the guardian of his family and is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husbands’ house and is responsible for it…” (Sahih Al Bukhari: 2.18)
In conclusion the mother as well as the husband have rights which need to be observed and fulfilled without infringing the right of the other. The relationship between a husband and a mother differ, therefore in the situation you have mentioned you will need to use your wisdom to keep both your husband and parents happy and to make sure that by keeping one happy the right of the other party is not violated. The best way to solve this is to discuss the matter openly with each other and tell them of the difficult situation you are under. This would help everyone to come to a mutual agreement, as after all they have your best interest in their heart.
Only Allah knows best.
Sayeedur Rahman
Darul Ifta, Birmingham
