Fatwa ID: 05405
Answered by: Mufti Javed ibn Nazir Kachhalia
As Salamu aleykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
I’m a sister living in Germany and almost 18 years old. I intend to get married after my A-Levels in shaa Allah (this summer). My father refuses because he says that I have to graduate from university first before I think about marriage. I should have studied and had a solid job. I also agree that it is important to achieve something academically especially to benefit the ummah however I don’t believe that marriage for the sake of Allah will prevent me from doing so. I want to study through a distance study because the subject I want to study is not available in Germany and I don’t want to move to UK or US to study that that’s why I choose distance study. And that means that I would have time to be married, since I don’t study full time. It is very important for my father that a woman has something in her hands before she gets married. Because he has seen many cases where the women were left with children and that those women had nothing, no job, and no money to take care of their kids. My father said if I at least have a job and finished my studies and have my bachelor’s, I could provide for my children even if my husband divorces me one day. I can understand my father’s worries however I do not think that a degree, work, and money are conditions for a woman to get married. If it is the case that the woman is divorced or left by her husband then that should have happened doesn’t matter if that woman had finished her university before getting married or after. Because everything that happens to a person was not meant to pass that person likewise everything that passes a person was not meant to hit that person. A divorce would definitely be a test or trial from Allah. And I do not believe that money etc. would help someone to master a trial. It definitely would ease the trial in some way or another however money and work etc are temporary and can disappear doesn’t matter if someone has a degree, a work or studied or not since nothing in this dunya lasts forever.
It may be that a woman is left with little children and that means that even if that woman has studied or work, she would not be able to go to work or to work much if she was left with little children. I appreciate that my parents try to save me from the bad things of this dunya, however, I believe that it is more important to save one’s children from hellfire. Because parents cannot protect their children from every bad thing since everything that happens in life is a test and every good thing is saved for Jannah. Although I would never commit Zina even if the opportunity is given, I know myself and I don’t think that I would be able to wait 3 – 6 years before getting married. Another reason why my father does not allow me to get married is that I am not allowed to marry someone of a different culture or country. He says I am just allowed to marry someone from my country because problems will arise if I marry someone of different ethnicity. I know that urf is a valid reason to refuse a marriage, however, I cannot agree with my father in my case. Since the young people today are much more open-minded and tolerant towards other cultures and get along with each other, nowadays there are so many mixed marriages that work out pretty well. And I am not a very cultural person, I believe the deen and character are more important and compatible. Added to that my father wants me to marry someone of my culture because he would have the same religious direction. My father follows a kind of Sufism (tariqa) and the reason why he also rejects suitors is because he has someone in mind that follows that path. He wants to wait until someone who follows Sufism proposes to marry me after I finished my studies. But I want to marry someone who follows Quran and sunnah inshaa Allah. I thought a wali shouldn’t just follow his own interest but because I’m not knowledgeable I don’t know whether that is the case in my situation.
Almost every day we talk about marriage and I try to convince him, I tried everything and even involved a Sheikh of the masjid in my near and this sheikh talked to my father but as expected he reacted negatively.
Every Mahram of mine has the same attitude towards marriage. My brothers are not very practicing so they don’t have a positive view on marriage and my uncle even came directly to our house to tell me strictly that I have to study first and achieve something in my life before I get married. I almost tried every possible way and now I want to know whether it is allowed in my case that another wali will be appointed ( for example a sheikh because we have no qadi) and get married? One day after Fajr I talked again to my father because I wanted to be hundred percent sure that my father doesn’t have a valid Islamic reason to prevent me from marriage, because I know if that isn’t the case my marriage would be invalid, and since I don’t want to be a zaniya I want to make sure that if I take that path, that that marriage would be valid in shaa Allah. That day in the morning my father said I have to marry someone of my culture because there are several ways in Islam. I asked him which one should I take (which path should my future husband follow)? And he said our path and then he mentioned the sheikh the kind of Sufism that he follows is following. And that was my approval that he wants me to marry a sufi. My father always confronts me with the fact that I am a disobedient child because I don’t listen to my parents. He refers to the fact that I want to get married although they don’t allow me. I know that it is one of the most important commands to obey one’s parents and treat them kindly. However, I thought that it is not disobedient that a child simply wants to get married and tries to persuade his parents since they have another opinion. I want to know whether I am allowed to get married in my cause with the wilayah given to somebody else? I asked the same Sheikh that talked to my father but he seems that he doesn’t want to tell me clearly whether I am allowed to get married to another wali or not. He only says that I have to have sabr and he cannot advise me to “rebel” against my parents. I can understand him since so many sisters got married without the permission of their parents and the marriage ended up bad. Most of the time they directly make the nikah through an Imam without explaining their case and skin for a ruling and whether it is allowed in their case. I can understand hid fear and caution of possibly promoting a disaster. However, I do believe not every case and not every sister or brother is the same and I just want to know whether I am allowed to get married through another wali? This is very important for me since I am very desperate right now. I try my best to be a very good Muslimah. I want to earn the pleasure of Allah and I don’t want to go astray or far away from Allah. I honestly try my best to develop a good and strong link to Allah however my heart is not calm and disturbed and this affects my ibadah, my link to Allah. I don’t know how many times the last days I repented but I always found myself doing the same sins again. I hate it and I try hard to stop it and I really believe that this time I will be successful and develop motivation but some moments, days, or weeks later I do it again and this is very bad. I cannot say which kind of Muslim I am and what level Iman I have since it changes as fast as the weather. I make a lot of Du’a and seek refuge from my own soul because it’s not always shaytan that makes me committing sins. I many times have khushu in salah but other days I feel like a stone that is only moving. I make a lot of voluntary acts and I try to purify myself with the Quran especially on fajr but I cannot say that I am a sincere believer because when I commit these sins I know that Allah sees me but I still do it, that is not a sign of someone that has taqwa. I am crying because no one wants to give me a clear answer of what I am allowed to do in my case and I am just advised to wait some years. This is what disturbs my heart since I feel weak and I don’t know whether I am able to wait so long before getting married. I’m struggling with my nafs and I try very hard, but if I weigh the pros and cons it is far worse not to get married than to marry through another wali but without the permission of my parents. Inshaa Allah you can help me, it’s very urgent.
In the name of Allah the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful
May Allah SWT bring ease in your life and keep you steadfast in Deen and may He forgive our shortcomings. Ameen
Insha’Allah we will address few points that will be helpful for all of us.
- Your Parents asking you to complete your studies first
Studies, jobs, or financial stability shouldn’t be a reason for preventing marriage.
The ideology and mentality that most Parents have in regards to their grown-up children, one should complete studies or be financially stable first and then get married, is totally against the guidance of the Hadith.
The Prophet Mentioned: “When a child reaches the age of puberty and the age of marrying someone if the Parents turn a blind eye on it (Marriage) If the child then succumbed to temptations and engrossed in immorality (adultery, fortification), the Parents will also be responsible and will be sinful. (Mishkat) (Aap ke Masa’ail aur Unke Hal Vol 5, Pg 31, Maktabah Ludhyanvi)
In another narration it’s mentioned:
Imam Tirmidhi (rahimahullah) has recorded a narration on the authority of Sayyiduna ‘Ali (radiyallahu’anhu) that Rasulullah (sallallahu’alayhi wasallam) said:
O ‘Ali, do not delay in three things; 1) Salah when its time arrives, 2) Offering the Janazah salah when the bier is present and 3) Marriage of a woman whose match is found (Sunan Tirmidhi, hadith: 171 & 1075)
From the above narrations, we clearly can conclude that we shouldn’t be delaying marriage.
- Parents choice
Indeed, it is very important that we should obey our parents. But, this doesn’t give Parents the license to decide for our future and whom we have to marry. This issue can be resolved in a good and amicable way with harmony and love and blessings.
In regards to your father’s choice of marrying someone who is from Sufism? I don’t know what are the beliefs of this sect, so I won’t be able to advise on this. But what I can say is, as far the person your father has chosen is Muslim, God Fearing and has got the correct Aqeedah (beliefs) according to the Ahle Sunnah Wal Jama’at, Insha’Allah you won’t have any problem.
Parents should consider the choice and desire made by the sons or daughters in marriage. The sons/daughters are requested to present their choices in front of their parents, but at the same let them decide and be content with their decision. They’ve had the experience, and Insha’Allah they will make the correct choice. Also, seek Allah’s help and guidance through Istikhara. (Aap ke Masail aur unke Hal Vol 5, Pg 29, Maktabah Ludhyanwi)
- Seeking Help & Guidance
After consulting your Parents and putting forward your choice in front of them and also by listening to their choice, Shariah has implemented a holistic approach, and that is to seek guidance and help from Allah by performing the Prayer of Istikhara.
(You can find the procedure and dua on the following link: http://daruliftabirmingham.co.uk/dua-istikharah/)
May Allah bring ease and give whatever is best for you and your family in this world and Akhirah and protect us all. Ameen
Only Allah knows best.
Written by Mufti Javed ibn Nazir Kachhalia
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham