Fatwa ID: 09046
Answered by Maulana Muhammad Zubair Khan Alizai
Question:
I’m a 20 year old male currently in first year of university. I run an online coaching center with friends that offers subsidized or free studentships. Alhamdulillah, I am also a student of knowledge but I have been faced with some difficult scenarios that I am unsure of how to handle.
Firstly, there lies the problem at university, where a girl used to hang out with our friend group. I maintained distance but she got a bit too close to me, and i explained the purpose of hijab and set boundaries when she did so because i do not like assuming and she seemed to do so out of ignorance rather than deliberation. Alhamdulillah, she did change and i hoped that would be the end of it.
However, it turned out instead that I became a go-to of sorts for questions. It didnt help that we had to work on many group projects. I admit I likely did mess up. I am not faultless. However, I can promise that I did strive one of the best ways one may do so. I never initiated questions but rather only responded. Later she one day confessed that she had some interest or feelings in me, and i panicked and felt fear and handled it poorly. I said that I believed it wouldnt work out and explained my stance on opp gender friends being unsustainable and that i’m only for maintaining friendship in the sense of a classmate that i know, not a close person.
However, I also came to know that another girl that is in our class also likes me. And in this case I have no idea how, for i never talked to her or anything. Yet, words reached my ear that she does. This girl is also practicing, and not said explicitly anything but it does make me uncomfortable. For example; she praised my voice when i lead salah, and praised my intellect and made me a cake for my birthday and so on; which makes me embarrassed for praise makes me feel embarrassed.
How do I balance these? In terms of actions, I am trying but in my mind it doesnt seem to enough and friends say im doing good, but in my mind it feels like every misstep is a mountain threatening to fall on me … I am human myself, that my mind wanders to if those are possibilities too.
The coaching center thing creates another issue. For there, our intention was sincere to help those in need. But those in need also came with major problems of their own such as abuse, depression, drug abuse, suicidal tendencies, abusive marriages even. And we tried our best to help them, and Alhamdulillah even there Allah blessed us that we were able to do so. But many students are females, and it made boundaries risky. In doing so, a student I encountered had an abusive marriage where she ran away and married in order to escape a forced marriage after her father died, and made a mistake. In advising her, I admit I did end up catching feelings, but even there I set boundaries, and i stepped back. Though her situation would likely mean divorce is a good case (involved physical and mental abuse and oppression), I consistently refused to even touch that topic though I did assure her of patience and meaning rooted in Quran and sunnah and sought to distance myself by redirecting her to my sister.
But even there, I am concerned, because i feel like i sinned and am still sinning by teaching and continuing to mentor, for even though when i’m asked i only say “Divorce is halal for a reason, but it is better to reconcile.”, I wonder if i’m not working subconsciously for myself…
My school friends were righteous but time and life has made us busy. At uni, there are religious people, but almost all of them are females, and hence there’s no way i can go and connect there. Amongst the males, only 3-4 pray, and they water down the deen to that. Any attempt i make at having meaningful conversations about adab, exploring tafsir, or hadith is not usually met with the same enthusiasm i have when researching which makes it harder.
Home life also alienates because my thoughts are usually flattened, or ignored, or i’m called too extreme for overthinking things. Only my sister actually listens. My parents are aged, and I have a strained relation with them of sorts due to my dad being absent in childhood and my mom always being sick and always accused me of causing it by being born.
Whomever I ask says I didnt make a mistake, or if they believe i misstepped, they stil say no worries, you tried. But it feels like a mountain threatening to fall on me. And the opposite extreme also exists where all my effort is invalidated and I must be the fault (like my parents do). And I am confused, for the people tell me something, and the sunnah says another, and I’m caught between fear of Allah and hoping for his mercy.
I stay quiet because the prophet advised us to, but that gets misread by parents as attitude or doesnt tell anything. At the same time it seems to make an air of intrigue around me with girls. If i speak, i try to speak with principles, and even that seems to attract. If i joke, that feels too casual and it hurts me because i feel embarrassed to speak casually with girls. No matter what i do, it seems like an error in a mixed environment.
As for with males, I like to speak in terms of deen, but very few comprehend that.
My brain too somehow calculates things too fast and analyses and predicts too well. Like i could see exactly which of my classmates would end up dating who, which would breakup, and i tried to warn them… many didn’t listen. But then exactly that happened. And I know the Qur’an says ‘You are not a controller over them’ and yeah i agree, but at the same time you are supposed to enjoin good and forbid evil. And even if i leave the outcome, the grief stays. As tho i’m on the footpath, and they are in the middle of the road, and i know i cant do anything except warn but i’m still forced to watch the collision…
It somehow understands nuances and connects too well too which makes me more isolated when I try to connect to people. Like I’m studying biotech and was seeing how enzymes are complementary, and same doesn’t work and realised that marriage is kinda same. And i was talking to an imam about it, and he was like yes, the root word of zawj also signifies that. This has happened a various amounts of times more
I really wonder why my opinion is still valued and my advise is sought after and I will not understand why it hits, and why my presence seems to lead to things like shutting off music, becoming more principled and stuff, nor why if I appear suddenly they remember they forgot to pray… nor do I understand why I can be patient enough that in some cases I’ve waited years and called for years before they came back to Allah, and then it feels like relief.
I do not know what I’m even asking. But i feel lost and in need of help. For I feel broken and sinful, yet i cant even identify the wrong that i did properly. And people keep coming to me for advise as tho i’m the moral backbone but inside i feel like a hypocrite. And it grieves me to see friends in haram, and i can’t help but cry to the extent i cant sleep without praying tahajjud for them. And whenever I mention this to ppl, they say its not mine to carry yet the hadith says that the prophet cared as deeply, and that some will enter jannah whose hearts will be like that of birds. Yet at the same time that feels unbelievable for someone like me.
There are many other hadith that pop up in my head according to the situation that either makes me hope or fear of being condemned and i overthink and shut down and cry profusely. I dont know whats wrong with me. It physically hurts me and manifests in loss of appetite, acne hair fall etc.
Even if I assume that the nuance that I can see when studying the deen is actually good, I do not think Allah meant to punish me by overwhelming me with it.
Even the overthinking is weird because it feels painful and overwhelming and when I convey it, people feel it to be intense yet somehow when they ponder on it and return, they say i was right and i showed another point of view and helped them think, but I’m just being me!
I don’t get if I’m good or bad, or evil or faithful or what. I don’t even feel lost in the true sense of the word because all i have to nourish me is burning faith that Allah will guide me as He has done before.
I’m sorry that this seems like a dumping, but even i dont know what answer im looking for. Hence, I hope you can help me with your wisdom to understand how to fix whatever this is.
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Allah Most High says:
وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الزِّنَا إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَاءَ سَبِيلًا
“Do not even approach unlawful relations; indeed it is an immorality and an evil path.” [1]
قُل لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ وَيَحْفَظُوا فُرُوجَهُمْ
“Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity.” [2]
لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond its capacity.” [3]
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“You will never leave anything for the sake of Allah except that Allah will replace it with something better for you.” [4]
“Actions are only by intentions.” [5,6]
Firstly, what you are experiencing is not hypocrisy. Rather, it is the struggle of a believer trying to uphold his faith in a difficult environment. Your fear, discomfort, and accountability are signs of a living heart.
However, interaction with non-mahram women must be limited. Initial necessary interaction is permissible, but when it leads to emotional attachment or dependency, it becomes impermissible. Therefore, you must restrict communication to what is necessary and avoid personal or emotional engagement.
With regards to your coaching centre, your intention is noble. However, private emotional counselling of female students poses a clear risk. Your action of redirecting them to a female (such as your sister) was correct and should be made a consistent policy.
As for your internal guilt, this is not hypocrisy. As long as your intentions are sincere and you strive to correct yourself, your efforts are accepted. The hadith teaches that anything left for Allah will be replaced with something better.
Your emotional burden for others must also be moderated. You are responsible for advising, but not for outcomes. Carrying the burden of others’ actions will harm you.
In conclusion, you are not broken nor sinful in essence. You are in a state of struggle that requires discipline, boundaries, and balance. Maintain your efforts, refine your approach, and trust in Allah’s guidance.
Only Allah ﷻ knows best.
Written by Maulana Muhammad Zubair Khan Alizai
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham
References:
[1]
Qur’an 17:32. Tafsir Ibn Ashur, al-Tahrir wa al-Tanwir.
والقرب المنهي عنه هو أقلّ الملابسة، وهو كناية عن شدة النهي عن ملابسة الزنا
[2]
Qur’an 24:30. Tafsir Ibn Kathir.
هَذَا أَمْرٌ مِنَ اللَّهِ تَعَالَى لِعِبَادِهِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ أَنْ يَغُضُّوا مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِمْ عَمَّا حَرَّمَ عَلَيْهِمْ، فَلَا يَنْظُرُوا إِلَّا إِلَى مَا أَبَاحَ لَهُمُ النَّظَرَ إِلَيْهِ
فَإِنِ اتَّفَقَ أَنْ وَقَعَ الْبَصَرُ عَلَى مُحَرَّمٍ مِنْ غَيْرِ قَصْدٍ، فَلْيَصْرِفْ بَصَرَهُ عَنْهُ سَرِيعًا
[3]
Qur’an 2:286. Tafsir al-Qurtubi.
نصَّ الله تعالى على أنه لا يكلّف العباد من وقت نزول الآية عبادةً من أعمال القلب أو الجوارح إلا وهي في وسع المكلَّف وفي مقتضى إدراكه وبنيته
[4]
Musnad Ahmad, Muassasat al-Risaalah, Vol. 34, page 342, Hadith 20739.
٢٠٧٣٩ – حَدَّثَنَا إِسْمَاعِيلُ، حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ الْمُغِيرَةِ، عَنْ حُمَيْدِ بْنِ هِلَالٍ، عَنْ أَبِي قَتَادَةَ، وَأَبِي الدَّهْمَاءِ، قَالَا: كَانَا يُكْثِرَانِ السَّفَرَ نَحْوَ هَذَا الْبَيْتِ، قَالَا: أَتَيْنَا عَلَى رَجُلٍ مِنْ أَهْلِ الْبَادِيَةِ، فَقَالَ الْبَدَوِيُّ: أَخَذَ بِيَدِي رَسُولُ اللهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، فَجَعَلَ يُعَلِّمُنِي مِمَّا عَلَّمَهُ اللهُ وَقَالَ: ” إِنَّكَ لَنْ تَدَعَ شَيْئًا اتِّقَاءَ اللهِ إِلَّا أَعْطَاكَ اللهُ (٣) خَيْرًا مِنْهُ ” (٤)
[5]
Fath ul Baari Sharh Sahih al-Bukhari, Dar ul Ma’rifah, Vol 1 page 11
وَوَجَّهَ الْبَيْهَقِيُّ كَوْنَهُ ثُلُثَ الْعِلْمِ بِأَنَّ كَسْبَ الْعَبْدِ يَقَعُ بِقَلْبِهِ وَلِسَانِهِ وَجَوَارِحِهِ، فَالنِّيَّةُ أَحَدُ أَقْسَامِهَا الثَّلَاثَةِ وَأَرْجَحُهَا ; لِأَنَّهَا قَدْ تَكُونُ عِبَادَةً مُسْتَقِلَّةً وَغَيْرُهَا يَحْتَاجُ إِلَيْهَا، وَمِنْ ثَمَّ وَرَدَ: نِيَّةُ الْمُؤْمِنِ خَيْرٌ مِنْ عَمَلِهِ، فَإِذَا نَظَرْتَ إِلَيْهَا كَانَتْ خَيْرَ الْأَمْرَيْنِ.
[6]
Sharh al-Nawawi on Sahih Muslim, Dar Ihyaa Turaath Islami, Vol 13 page 54
قَالَ جَمَاهِيرُ الْعُلَمَاءِ مِنْ أَهْلِ الْعَرَبِيَّةِ وَالْأُصُولِ وَغَيْرُهُمْ لَفْظَةُ إِنَّمَا مَوْضُوعَةٌ لِلْحَصْرِ تُثْبِتُ الْمَذْكُورَ وَتَنْفِي مَا سِوَاهُ فَتَقْدِيرُ هَذَا الْحَدِيثِ إِنَّ الأعمال تحسب بنية ولاتحسب إِذَا كَانَتْ بِلَا نِيَّةٍ