Fatwa ID: 08865
Answered by: Maulana Nuski Cassim
Question:
I am married and I am a convert for 8 months so far Alhamdulillah. I’m learning a lot about Islam. One thing I just don’t understand about it is how do men easily find marry wife, after he’s been with one for years, and expect the wife not to feel anything about it. Maybe we’re supposed to be following our deen so well that it means nothing to us because we trust in Allah and we know this world was made to disappoint us.
One thing I have realized is that women are made for men only. Made to give birth, and raise the kid to fear Allah, then pass away hoping to get to Jannah after “obeying” husband. Someone in my family told me that recently a woman (a family member of husband) who moved across the country and stopped her studies to get married to her husband. They have 6 children. He wants another wife. I just don’t get how most men see this as normal. Maybe this life is just a test. You live with this woman and she has your children, and takes care of them and you, but still, you want to marry “fresh meat.”
I discussed this with him yesterday and got a emotional about it and he said I’m not mentally strong enough, need to go to the military to get beat up because I’m too soft. I agree with him. But beyond me getting emotional about this topic, I’m still confused about it and wanted to hear what he thought about it. Conversation got out of hand and well now we’re parting ways.
I know I can’t question Allah, but I’m just confused about it. How am I supposed to deal with it if it ever happens?
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Answer:
Feeling something or a certain way towards your husband wanting another wife or ‘fresh meat’ is not something which is impious or irreligious. In fact, it is common and normal for most women to feel upset or at variance with the idea—this is not from a lack of trust in Allah ﷺ per say.
With that said, it is important for us to understand that Allah ﷻ created both the male species and the female species—and He knows exactly how both species function and operate.
” وَلَيۡسَ ٱلذَّكَرُ كَٱلۡأُنثَىٰۖ ”
“And the male is not like the female” – Surah Ali-‘Imran: 36
It is from His wisdom that He has placed the desire and want/need in men for multiple women (wives) as well the natural jealousy of women towards their husband having other women in their life.
We find that A’ishah (ra), one of the best of women that this Ummah has seen, was naturally jealous of Khadijah (ra). This was the case despite Khadijah (ra) being the first wife of the Prophet ﷺ and him not marrying anyone else till after her demise! [See: https://sunnah.com/tirmidhi:2017]
” الٓرۚ تِلۡكَ ءَايَٰتُ ٱلۡكِتَٰبِ ٱلۡحَكِيمِ ”
“Alif. Lam. Ra. These are verses of the Wise Book.” – Surah Yunus: 1
” فعل الحكيم لا يخلو عن الحكمة ”
“The action of The Wise One is not devoid of [any] wisdom.”
Allah ﷻ, out of wisdom and understanding the creation He created, has allowed for men to marry up to 4 wives at a single time (Surah Nisa: 3). Nonetheless, one who marries multiple wives must maintain and show dignity, honor, respect and fairness towards each of his respective spouses such that he does not oppress them in any way.
Though it may be normal to become emotional when it comes to this topic or the discussing of it, one must never be at variance with the allowance and wisdom of polygamy found in the Shari’ah.
“Obeying husband” is a phrase that has been hijacked and misunderstood by both women and men.
Due to unchecked emotions, and/or injustices from the part of the husband, women become averse to this notion of ‘obedience’ towards their husband.
Obeying one’s husband does not mean that one has become his slave. Obeying one’s husband does not mean that the wife is not free to act on her own etc. Rather, it means to obey/listen to those things in which the husband has a right over the wife, to obey/listen to those things in which Allah ﷻ has given the husband the reigns over—as Allah ﷻ has made the husband the leader over his household.
Thus, where it is the husbands right that he should be listened to and followed, the wife should comply as this is from compliance to Allah ﷻ. And where the husband does not have a right and is overstepping and becoming oppressive in the eyes of Allah ﷻ, then the wife should not comply, and this will also be compliance to Allah ﷻ.
” لاَ طَاعَةَ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّمَا الطَّاعَةُ فِي الْمَعْرُوفِ ”
“There is no obedience if it involves disobedience towards Allah. Rather, obedience is only (required) in that which is good.” – [سنن النساء، رقم الحديث: ٤٢٠٥]
Lastly, I would like to close with a hadith of the Prophet ﷺ, wherein he ﷺ said, “When a woman observes the five prayers, fasts during Ramadhan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter through any of the gates of Paradise she wishes.” [See: https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3254]
References:
https://sunnah.com/tirmidhi:2017
https://sunnah.com/mishkat:3254
“There is no obedience if it involves disobedience towards Allah. Rather, obedience is only (required) in that which is good.” – [سنن النساء، رقم الحديث: ٤٢٠٥]
“And the male is not like the female” – Surah Ali-‘Imran: 36
Only Allah knows best.
Written by Maulana Nuski Cassim
Checked and approved by Mufti Mohammed Tosir Miah
Darul Ifta Birmingham